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Where the $@#% did you come from??
Link: Inside Information, a Draco Malfoy story

Summary:This story takes place in the summer after book six.
Eska is a friend of Harry's, helping him to track down the Horcruxes she is kidnapped by Draco Malfoy, when Harry is also captured she's in a perfect place to help...

Princess Victoria: We like picking stories from harrypotterfanfiction.com because they come with bad banners. The banner for this fic (under the cut) looks like it has Tom Felton with the chick from the Da Vinci Code separated by words and bird crap... But that's just my intrepreation of "art".

We give this a:





Chapter 1: Caught

I planned to go to University after Hogwarts if I got the N.E.W.T’s but after Dumbledore’s funeral I decided, with Ron and Hermione that helping Harry track down Voldemort’s horcruxes was more important than finishing school.

Princess Victoria: Where the fuck did you come from?
Princess Kathleen: If you were that central a character, JKR might have mentioned you in the previous books, KTHANXBAI....stupid sue...


“Ron can you come with me to Riddle’s? I think we’ll need to be very careful as the Death Eaters may be watching that place”.

Princess Victoria: That's like saying there might be presents under the tree on Christmas Day.
Princess Kathleen: And what is Riddle's exactly? It sounds like a pancake house, where Death Eaters randomly hang out. OMG! I think we have discovered their weakness!!1!


Eska, can you go to your Dad’s university and research the founders of Hogwarts? They’re bound to have a more extensive archive than anywhere here”.

Princess Joy: Unlike HOGWARTS! You know, that school they founded and built!
Princess Kathleen: I love how the only Magic University is in randomly Germany.


“I thought we should probably have a safe way of communicating with each other, since Malfoy will have told Voldemort we’re Harry’s best friends they’ll be watching our letters and stuff.

Princess Joy: I'm pretty sure Voldemort knows you're his best friends by now. It would be like him just finding out now that Princess Di died.
Princess Victoria: What is this stuff you speak of Hermione? Porn? Elaborate please.

Princess Kathleen: Yes, hiding scrolls of magic parchement for covert communications, totally safe form of communication. I forsee no problem with that at all.


I decided I’d apparate out to the countryside and have a walk before going back in for a couple more hours.

Princess Kathleen: You're shirking your duty. There's no time for enchanted walks. Ginny would have been hard at work considering Harry's life is IN DANGER! I forsee shenanigans.


“We know Harry likes to play the hero so what better way than to kidnap one of his best friends?” said a sneering, cold voice from behind me. I spun around to see Snape standing behind me.

Princess Kathleen: SHENANIGANS!


All Princesses: SNAPE! *groan*


I sat up and brushed self-consciously at my hair.

Princess Joy: That's a sub concious sign you like him.


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 2
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 2
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 1



Chapter 2: A ghost story

Thanks JK for the characters, except Eska who is my own invention and entirely fictional – except she looks like me and owes her name to a character in Robin Jarvis’s The Whitby Witches.

Princess Victoria: Hello self-insert Mary-Sue! *brain 'splode*
Princess Kathleen: Not only that, but one who plunders names from other works. Stupid cow! You fail at fiction!


I had a wash and found some spare clothes in a closet. I put on some boy’s jeans and a white crop top, a colour which looked good against my olive skin and dark hair

Princess Joy: Magically the random clothes look good on you! AmAzEmEnT!!!!one!11!


I’d been alone for about an hour before I remembered Hermione’s parchment.

Princess Joy: I'm glad someone remembered Hermione.


I am so thick, I should have sent Harry a message straight away…

Princess Victoria: Yes, you should have, but you were too busy putting on the nice clothes for Draco instead.


Come on, I’ve got your room ready. Had to put some charms on the door you see, stop you running” he said.

Princess Joy: WHO SPEAKS LIKE THAT????


“My room? You mean I’m not staying up here?”
“Eska, if I have to spend large amounts of the day with you I am not spending it in this hole.”

Princess Victoria: The Beast: I'll take you to your room.
Belle: My room?
The Beast: You wanna, you wanna stay in the dungeon?
Belle: No
Princess Kathleen: *snerk*



“I have to guard you.”

Princess Joy: Guard? Don't you mean have sex?


“Don’t need to, but maybe I want to. It can get dull here, I’m going to have fun with you Eska” he smirked. Oh goody. It’ll be like potions only 24/7.

Princess Joy: I thought that said "positions" not "potions". *snerk*


...we went into a room. I was stunned, the room was beautiful. It was all decorated in blue and white, with a large bed and soft dark blue suede sofas.

Princess Victoria: *said like Ranier Wolfcastle* To sex you up in.


I got kidnapped by Lucius Malfoy and Snape but don’t worry because I’m alright and apparently I’m not going to be hurt.

Princess Victoria: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *wipes away laugh-tears*
Her letter to Harry is full of "Bye! I found better men here. Death Eaters do it better."
Princess Kathleen: "They just want me to breed super Death Eater Babies, with Draco. Apart from that, everything is fine!" They also have cookies. And cool tatoos.


“Call me Draco.” He sat watching me for a minute, it was beginning to get very uncomfortable.

Princess Victoria: You are uncomfortable now? And not when he let his hand trail down your back? Riiiiight.


I picked one out that just happened to be my favourite book, “Wives and Daughters” by Elizabeth Gaskell (Kate: My fave book too!) and sat down to read.

Princess Victoria: I smell some Pepperjack...and it stinks.


I never told you in school because it didn’t seem important but I know Malfoy fancies you, watch out for him.

Princess Victoria: How would Harry even learn this? He is the most unaware person at Hogwarts.


I’m a vegetarian and Dobby had brought me quorn instead of meat.

Princess Joy: What's quorn? Corn?
Princess Kathleen: What the hell is Dobby doing here? Didn't he end up at Hogwarts, if memory serves? Read the books, asshat!


I shuddered, if Malfoy did fancy me then that put some of today in a whole new perspective… And did explain why he wanted to spend time with me…

Princess Victoria: OR why he touched you, OR why he gave you the nice room... retard.
Princess Kathleen: Thanks, Tips for putting it all together for us. I guess Captain Obvious was busy today.


I jumped, I hadn’t even heard him come in I’d been so deep in my book.

Princess Victoria: OMG! I totally call it that he saw her change!


He sniggered, “no, I doubt I would. Stop reading now I’m here Eska.”

Princess Joy: Malfoy's dont like thier women to read.
Princess Kathleen: Entertain me! Dance monkey! *shakes fist*


“Please lets turn on some lights Draco” I whispered, “Scared?”, “Yes” I admitted ashamedly. He smiled and leant in to me, his lips just brushing mine, dry and warm, making mine tingle.

Princess Victoria: Didn't see that coming at all... nope. That was a hot kiss though.
Princess Joy: 'Twas
Princess Kathleen: 'Twas indeed


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 4
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 2



Chapter 3: Questions

It’s a couple of hours later. I’m lying in bed,

Princess Joy: With Draco???
Princess Kathleen: I'm proud to introduce to you, TownBike!Sue.


I didn’t want to tell him about Draco trying to kiss me, that moment, with the story and the fire seemed very private, and anyway, it wasn’t really that much when you came to try and tell it to someone else.

Princess Victoria: You just say: "Harry you were right, Draco kissed me! *barf*" But you won't, because you want to christen that bed with his seed.


It was Draco, looking worried and with his hair all over the place, like he’d just had sex got up.


“I’ll stay with you.” “Ok” I said quietly, actually quite glad of his company.

Princess Kathleen: Um, yesterday morning you hated him.


Draco was lying next to me, I had my back to him and his arm was round my waist. A very protective gesture.

Princess Victoria: That's actually very cute.


“Eska, come and sit down.” He said, indicating one of the ugly green leather sofas, of which there were several in the room. He sat opposite me. I was very nervous by now. I’d never really liked Lucius and there was no good reason to start now.

Princess Joy: That's the first time he's called her Eska, normally he calls her by her last name.
Princess Kathleen: Hooray for consistency! Or not.


I tapped it with my fingernail, watched the words disappear and shoved the parchment back into it’s hidey-hole.
“What are you doing Eska?” Draco asked, standing right by my shoulder.

Princess Joy: Exciting!


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 7
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3


Chapter 4: A gift

I didn’t know what to think or feel, he’s good looking and I’d always kind of fancied him but he’s such a jerk…

Princess Victoria: Where did you ever like him before this? It seems kinda out of the blue to us.


As dusk was falling, in the garden I could see three figures approaching, my heart sank as I recognized one of them as Bellatrix Lestrange. Oh no... On the lawn near them another figure apparated, Snape. Must be some kind of meeting.

Princess Joy: Nooo, they are all part of a knitting party! That's where the duvet on your bed came from.
Princess Kathleen: "This week boys, we're going to knit tea cozies to sell at the St.Mungo's Christmas Bazaar. Let's start with one that looks like the Dark Lord."


“I wanted you to know I was sorry for being rough with you earlier. I’ve brought you a present. Here”

Princess Victoria: That's what abusive boyfriends do.


“Goodnight Draco.” He hesitated a moment but then leant into me again and this time I didn’t push him away. We kissed and it was wonderful. It felt right this time though, he’d been so nice, I think I was getting to like him. He pulled away and smiled at me. “See you tomorrow,” then he left.

Princess Victoria: Ok. Let's pause here and remember one thing, 48 hours ago, you hated Draco, and now you are wearing his jewelry, and kissing him?! Bah!
Princess Kathleen: Wanted: a Sue that is to fall for Draco within a 48 hour time period. Earth logic need not apply!


Not as much as Parkinson though, I wondered what she’d do if she found out about me kissing him?

Princess Joy: Slap a bitch?


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 8
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3



Chapter 5: Prisoner

"come here." I went and sat on the bed next to him.

Princess Victoria: Demanding much?
Princess Kathleen: Did this turn into BDSM at some point or is it just me that this Sue is very submissive?


He reached over to the chest of drawers and picked up the necklace he'd given me, he fastened it on to my neck. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it clashed with my orange tank top.

Princess Joy: Maybe the necklace is charmed?


"Is it true that Harry's a prisoner here?" I said quietly.
He got up and came over to me. "Yeah it is. I didn't want to tell you in case you were upset."

Princess Victoria: Draco should be concerned about how she knows about Harry.


I read it one last time then burnt the parchment, it wouldn't help Harry if I got implicated.

Princess Joy: YOU COULD HAVE USED THAT TO MESSAGE RON OR HERMIONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


He shoved me into a chair, and dropped down next to me.

Princess Victoria: Abusive boyfriend moment #2. I wonder what present she is going to get this time? A puppy? Named Peanut?
Princess Kathleen: or Molasses? or maybe Dingo...


he smirked and leant in and kissed me again, a little roughly perhaps, but I liked it.

Princess Joy: Draco sure likes everything rough.
Princess Kathleen: I'm telling you it's BDSM.


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 10
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3



Chapter 6: A portrait

Read previous chapter to find out what's going on.

Princess Victoria: Lol, that's awesome.


"Oh. Hey, you're shivering. Come into my room and have some hot chocolate."

Princess Victoria: Oh, btw, there's a corpse downstairs, but here, have some hot chocolate.
Princess Kathleen: Chocolate does make everything better...but it's also an aphrodesiac...uh oh...I see where this is going....


"It was a mistake, it was my aunt Bellatrix, Goyle killed her thinking she was Potter.

Princess Victoria: Muhahaha, oh Goyle, you so stupid.


"I need to go to sleep now, you can go back to your room," he ordered.
"Ok."
He took me to my door, kissed me goodnight and left me.

Princess Joy: Draco is such a nice boyfriend.
Princess Kathleen: When he's not shoving her into a chair.


"These are good," said Albrax, waving a Polaroid around to dry.

Princess Joy: Polaroid, eh? They branch out into wizard products now?


"We've put charms on the house so that you may not leave it, you are free to explore it, you can't go outside though." She looked up from her drink and smiled at me. "I have private rooms on the south side of the house, you can come and keep me company, I get a little lonely here too when I'm left."

Princess Victoria: Awww, I like Narcissa here. Not fanon!Narcissa at all.
Princess Joy: I like how she is not fazed that her sister is dead.


"I think Draco likes you, am I right?"

Princess Victoria: No mom talks like that to their son's object of intrest. Ever.
Princess Kathleen: If they try to, it is in the most veiled terms. This is creepy.


"Draco," said Narcissa, her smile deepening as she saw her son, "why don't you show Eska the pool?" .

All Princesses: Random period!
Princess Victoria: And now lets take her to the pool so we can see her in a bikini... I bet it's dark green.
Princess Joy: I bet it would suit her "olive skin"


I grinned, glad that she wasn't going to tell Draco I liked him,

Princess Joy: Seeing how you kiss him, I think he knows. *taps nose*


I found a whole range of swimsuits in mine but eventually chose a white bikini with silver piping, it suited my olive skin.

Princess Victoria: Boo!
Princess Joy: Muhahaha I was right!
Princess Kathleen: I think I owe you ten bucks.


I stood in a shallow part, where the water was up to my neck, resting on the rail and looked across the pool.

Princess Joy: You must be a midget.


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 13
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3


Chapter 7: My Dad

I instantly felt a lot safer with him around.

Princess Victoria: Yes, because you seemed so scared in your bikini...


My father nodded, "go with Draco now Esk."

Princess Joy: Her dad sounds a bit like a zombie. And how does he know Draco is ok? Shouldn't he assume he's like Lucius?


"So I was wondering if you wanted to make this a bit more formal - be my girlfriend?"

Princess Joy: We're totally holding you captive, but would you be my girlfriend? It would be super cool and I could tell all of my Death Eater buddies.
Princess Kathleen: And we can get matching tatoos and stuff.


I stretched up for another kiss and felt a starburst of happiness

Princess Joy: What the shit is that?
Princess Victoria: Does that happen when she goes shopping? "These shoes are just my size!" *Magical starburst music and glittery light show*
Princess Kathleen: Why am I randomly reminded of the end of Van Helsing?


I didn't have any choice but to help them, I hope you don't think I'm a traitor."

Princess Victoria: Seeing how she's making out with Draco, no, I really don't think she'll see you as a traitor.


"Harry will arrive hear tonight..."

Princess Joy: Harry is stupider than we thought.



Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 15
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 5



Chapter 8: How it ends

As we watched one of the portraits floated off the wall into the middle of the room and elongated until we could see the whole of the Lady and her blue dress, out of it shot a silvery cloud. The other portraits began chanting and the cloud caught fire and burnt up, as the last bit disappeared a brilliant white light shot out and filled the room then faded. "It is gone," they said

Princess Joy: Oh, so that's how you destroy a Horcrux properly. I'll have to let Harry know that for the next book.
Princess Kathleen: Can someone please explain how a portrait can do what a wizard finds very difficult to achieve?


"...Didn't he win?"

Princess Kathleen: No, he didn't, except every Death Eater is dead, dumbass!


"...I thought you'd be on your way to the Bahamas by now!"

Princess Joy: Is that the cool new place to run away to?
Princess Victoria: Because I can totally see him on the beach.


I ran down the corridor and watched them put handcuffs on him and disapparate.

Princess Victoria: Handcuffs? For real?


Me, Ron and Hermione all meet up, every year, not wanting to join the main services, preferring to mourn in private. I've come here on my own though this year to lay flowers because they had to get back to their baby daughter.

Princess Joy: So that's what Ron and Hermione were doing besides helping everyone... MAKING BABIES!!
Princess Kathleen: Aparently they have to repopulate the wizarding world. Or something...

Princess Victoria: Why didn't they keep in touch when he was in jail?


Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 4
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 4
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 16
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 6





Princess Victoria: In the end, while there were elements of this fic that were annoying and bad, like Eska's fast developing love and the characters OOCness, the story itself was pleasently appealing and entertaining. To improve future stories, we suggest the author make her female characters stronger and to focus less on clothes and such. And to please read the books a little more carefully before diving so deep into such an important matter, like Horcruxes, in the Harry Potter universe.