Current mood:

OMG! MY EYES!

Really messed up!!
Link: messed UP

Summary:cant describe it just read plz...


Princess Victoria: "You" stories are like 'choose-your-own-adventures'. Only you don't get to choose. Which makes them less fun. I feel that this story could be more tolerable if it was written in the third person.


We give this a:




Chapter 1: FUCKED UP (The author's title, not ours)


Princess Joy: Who is Balise?
Princess Kathleen: Balise? is that like a mini Basilisk?


Balise: " We have to get back to the portkey we cant go back for him"
You: " No I would make him go back if it was u"

Princess Victoria: This Balise creature is an asshole. Too bad it's not Blaise, then he'd be loyal to Draco.
Princess Kathleen: I'm so confused... Where are Crabbe and Goyle in all of this?


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 29
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 9
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 4
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 0
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 5
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 16



Chapter 2: So it begins

Ok heres the deatils. u are the daughter of you-know-who and it is your fith year . u have known draco and balise for as long as u can remember. Harry potter still hasent beaten your father yet but know that draco and balise are of te age to become death eaters some things r going to change . Espicialy when they bot have feeling for you and a prophecy must be filled . oh and every time u see this ~!~!~!~!~ enter your name just like my other stories. hope u all like plz R\R ^.^

Princess Victoria: 1) You are a Voldemort Daughter. 2) You are in an OBVIOUS love triangle between "Balise" and Draco.
Princess Joy: 3)Your writing needs proofreading, very, very, very badly.
Princess Kathleen: This information was not in Chapter 1 why?


oh and every time u see this ~!~!~!~!~ enter your name just like my other stories.

All Princesses: Okaaaay. So, here at Gelderstien, we choose the name "Severus Snape". Let's see how this goes.


you followed hm up the steeps to the manor.

Princess Victoria: Steeps? Like the Mongolian Steeps? Is Gengis Khan coming 'round the bend?
Princess Kathleen: Look!! It's the Golden horde!! Maybe they've come to save us from this craptacular story!!


It revealed a beautiful bedroom with black carpeting and pale li green walls and the same color ceiling.

Princess Kathleen: What's li green?
Princess Joy: I think it's light green.
Princess Victoria: But it could be lily green.
Princess Kathleen: Or maybe she was trying to spell kelly green and her hands slipped.

the wndows led to a pato ouside where there was a small table and chairs.

Princess Joy: OMG! I want a pato too!


he knew that balise had told u that he liked you in there third year and still did. but he had thought that u liked him as well.

Princess Joy: So, Draco thinks you are a big slut.
Princess Kathleen: Wow... So we're using Junior High Relationship logic. I see...


Balise: " did you drop anything in here? "
Draco: "No did u?"
Balise: " No, it must of came from down stairs"
Draco: " Stay here Severus Snape dont go anywhere"

All Princesses: Yes Severus, don't go anywhere!


Draco: " MUM r u ok?"
Narcissa: " I'm fine "

Princess Victoria: Nice. *claps slowly, emitting an echo*
Princess Kathleen: I really hate this style of storytelling... Why can't it be "Draco said this" or "Narcissa said that"?
Princess Joy: Points for the fact she actually spelled Narcissa right though.


Draco: " I-I'm going to bed"

Princess Kathleen: Draco, why are you always a pussy in fanfiction?
All Princesses: *sigh* Dear Sue Authors, please stop making Draco an emo pussy. Thank you. Sincerely, the Princesses and the fandom.


you couldnt help but to fell sorry for dradco and his mother.

Princess Victoria: I feel sorry for "dradco" for having the name "dradco"
Princess Kathleen: Dradco and his mother? Like Grendel and his mother?


************
Dracos P.O.V.
***********

Princess Victoria: Oh, God, no.
Princess Kathleen: I thought this was a you story. Draco! Get your own story!!! Or get Lucius a beer!!


Draco: " thats right hide your blushing eyes" in a annoyed voice.

Princess Victoria: Draco, you're an ass! Just deal with the fact that she doesn't want you to "get inside her".
Princess Kathleen: I think that's physically impossible....
Princess Joy: I think it may be a medical condition.


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 226
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 43
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 41
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 2
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 16
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 52



Chapter 3: "u bloody well knew it"

Your father had married a muggle who he thought would never happen .

Princess Kathleen: You're right! That would never happen!


It was october and it was getting near your birthday. which was on halloween, on the day of your birth day the whle Slytherin house through a party for u.

Princess Victoria: Redundant much about your birthday!?
Princess Kathleen: What does whle mean?
Princess Joy: I think it means whole.
Princess Victoria: No way! It totally means whale!


Draco: " I'll be right back"

Princess Victoria: I'm surprised it didn't say brb.


Before his lips collied with yours once more.one of his hands was making its way up your skirt. He pulled of your underware and unzipped his pants. he placed himself between your legs and entered u inch by slow inch.

Princess Joy: That's some foreplay!
Princess Kathleen: Nicely done, Sue Author. I can't for the life of me think of a more elegantly and sensuous love scene ever written. Nice job... *claps slowly*


He watched as pain spread throught your body he gave u time to get used to him. And then he began to pound u.

Princess Kathleen: He's such a good lover, taking her virginity in such a gentle way.
Princess Victoria: I wonder what Voldemort thinks about Balise "pounding" his little girl.
Princess Joy: Geez, that's romantic! I can only hope to be touched like that one day.


You opened your eyes only to stare into cold grey ones. U pulled away fromBalise

Princess Victoria: Why would you pull away? You've never given Draco real cause to think you liked him.


Draco shoved him aginst the wall and punched him.

Princess Joy: With her still on him.
Princess Kathleen: Aren't Severus and Balise still in coital bliss?
Princess Victoria: I wonder if you could use a levitating charm for a situation like that?



Balise: " Nothing is yours anymore, Not even her" he laughed
Draco: " Your wrong, Were forever Severus Snape nd Me"

Princess Kathleen: *snerk*



Balise: " no draco your less thats y she never really loved u"
Draco: " No Balise she nevered loved u because u wern't me , the new me"
Balise: " I guess that means she was thinking about u all this time i was puttin it to her"

All Princesses: Why doesn't Severus Snape have a say in all of this?
Princess Kathleen: I'm oddly reminded of the Simpsons episode where Grandpa Simpson dreams he's the Queen of the Old West and he carries a six shooter in his garter. "Wait boys, you can both marry me!!!"


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 423
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 102
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 67
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 2
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 43
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 86


Chapter 4: "u say that alot"

Bar tender: " It's raining hard out there so the young lady has to stay the night ."

Princess Joy: Because witches melt in the rain, just like in the Wizard of Oz!


Draco: " that won't be necessry"
Draco: " She will be fine with me , Oh i don't supose u have an owl do u ?"

Princess Victoria: Yo! You didn't have to use two seperate lines!
Princess Kathleen: Repeat after me: I need a beta...BADLY!!


Dear,

headmaster

i thought i would inform u that ms Snape is going to spending the night with me in the hogs head . The reason for this is because the weather is to harsh for her to return safley to the castle . i hope u will understand.

Draco Malfoy...


Princess Victoria: The rain is going to get her?
Princess Kathleen: Did he really have to use ellipses at the end of his name? it just screams "SUSPICIOUS MOTIVES FOR DETOUR!!!"



Princess Joy: WHAT'S WITH THE DRAWING OF THE GUN AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER!?!?!?!?!?


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 621
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 156
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 106
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 3
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 44
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 92



Chapter 5: chapter 5


Princess Victoria: It seems she got sick of the "*" as headers. The "-" key is so much easier to hold.


He gazed down at the face of an angel

All Princesses: Severus doesn't look like an angel. Muhahaha.


the light hit her face making u look more beautiful than ever and so still when she was sleeping he thought.

Princess Joy: How does the light hitting someone else's face make you more beautiful? What are they? Quasimodo?


I should go back with her what if Balise tries something stupid .

Princess Joy: Wasn't "Balise" her lover willingly?
Princess Kathleen: Like kill you Draco? Isn't that what you're really worried about?


it is my job to keep her safe for the ministry.

Princess Victoria: Where does it entail that it is your job to protect her?
Princess Kathleen: The Ministry wants her protected? Voldemort's daughter? Yes...


But this is the reason he sent her away

Princess Joy: Voldemort would never send his daughter willingly to Hogwarts. Ever.
Princess Kathleen: Not unless he planned to use her like a spy. Hmm.... that would make this story a lot better.


besides i love her but she doesn't know it.Or at least i don't think she dose.

Princess Joy: I don't think she dose either.
Princess Kathleen: By love, he means crack


you woke up to find no one next to u.

Princess Kathleen: No one? Shouldn't that read "You wake up to find that Draco wasn't next to you?"


your eyes meet grey.you brushed your lips against his only for a moment and then you licked and nibbled on his .he pulled you into an embracing kiss,The kiss seamed so tense that it nearly blinded him. you pulled away from him and spoke with your lips an inch a part from his.

Princess Joy: Who is this "grey" and why are you making out with him?
Princess Victoria: You licked and nibbled his what? You didn't finish that thought.
Princess Kathleen: Grey? I thought you were with "Balise"? You really are a slut.


The kiss seamed so tense that it nearly blinded him.

Princess Joy: Blinded him? God help him when they have sex.
Princess Kathleen: Who is this Kiss? and why is he/she making clothes tense?
Princess Victoria: I thought that was happened when you masturbate too much


]You:

Princess Victoria: Where did the "]" come from? They aren't even near each other on the keyboard!


The both of them hugged each other and patted one another on the back

Princess Kathleen: We both scored man! With the slut that is Voldemort's Daughter!


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 682
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 165
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 131
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 4
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 53
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 105



Chapter 6: Admitted


when you happened to notice Draco’s muscular back flex beneath his tight black shirt

Princess Victoria: Students wear robes.


and shouldn’t he be wearing his uniform?,

Princess Victoria: Yes!

Princess Kathleen: Draco sounds like he doesn't want you...


Hell I don’t even know what it is.
Merlin! If she doesn’t stop looking at me like that…

Princess Joy: Hello! Tense change!


You:“You make me feel—"

All Princesses: LIKE DANCING!
Princess Joy: Like a natural woman?


Draco:“I hate you, but yet you make my body crave you like water. Why do you do that?”

Princess Victoria: You hate her? What? You totally loved her in the last chapter.
Princess Kathleen: So much wrong with that sentence... But it's omgeversoromantic!!1!!one!!


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 754
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 171
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 158
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 5
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 54
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 111



Chapter 7: I caught fire [in your eyes]


Who happened to be wearing his Quidittich robes and caruing his numbius and 2001.

Princess Joy: Not a numbius and a 2001! Exciting! Two brooms! Wow!


You:“Now, I believe my body language is giving off ‘fuck me’ vibes. Don’t you think?”

Princess Kathleen: Um, that's crude.


Princess Joy: Hello random lyrics!


He started out slow as he watched you moan and claw him on his back

Princess Joy: And how does someone do that exactly?


Princess Victoria: This girl always gets "fucked". No man ever makes love to her.


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 793
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 177
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 175
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 6
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 57
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 139



Chapter 8: why i let u do this to me

Princess Victoria: It's called foreplay, try it.


You: " Draco"
Draco" don't spoil the moment love "

Princess Joy: HaHa! He doesn't want to remember that it's you he's fucking.
Princess Kathleen: Who wants to bet on who he's picturing instead of you Serverus?


at the table ther were rumers that you and draco were a couple and that last night you gave your self to him.

Princess Victoria: That sounds ridiculous, nobody who gossips says "gave herself to him".
Princess Kathleen: So, now you decide to trot out the fancy euphemisims for sex, where a chapter before you were declaring "Fuck me!!" Fantastic turn around!


I mean sure he did have you but the two of u wern't really a couple u were just really close friensd.

Princess Joy: Ah, so you are fuck friends. Voldemort would be so proud.


Balise: " I said how was it with the girl"
Draco: " It was amazing "
Basile: " i can tell" he said with a chuckle.

Princess Kathleen: Uh, "Balise" you should know. You slept with her first.
Princess Joy: This "Basile" sounds better than "Balise".

Princess Victoria: Does "the girl" not have a name? Should you be inserting Severus Snape into the ~*~*~*~*~*~?


Draco:" so how r u nd mill ?"
Balise: " fine tow whole months and were still going strong"

Princess Joy: When did this happen? And I must say that "Balise" is getting the short end here, first Voldemort's Daughter, then Millicient? Yuck.
Princess Kathleen: I have no idea what they just said... None at all...



Balise: " U don't know do u ? , I mean you and " he jerked his head toward the end of the table were you happened to be sitting.
Draco: " OK you've gone to far"

Princess Kathleen: That's right! Don't sully my name by saying we're a couple! I just sleep with her! HOW DARE YOU!


Draco: " i couldn't even if there was a posibitaly We have a job"

Princess Victoria: You have a job? *claps slowly* Want a cookie?


Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 850
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 190
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 199
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 6
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 65
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 201




Princess Victoria: This story has an intresting idea, but I feel that the author is too immature to handle the situations that she places her characters in. Their reactions are not logical or thought through. While it's common in fanfic world that if you have sex in your fic you'll get more reviews, this story would have been better if that aspect was either left out, or developed more.