You are now entering Gelderstien...

She's the bitchy princess

2006-12-19T05:52:28Z

Link: Fleur Delacour-Beauxbaton's Princess

Summary: Fleur Delacour has the "best" friends, is the most "popular" girl in school, and has the Headmistress right under her thumb. What will happen when her entire world turns upside down? Will she be able to cope, or will she lose everything?

Princess Joy: I've never been much of a fan of Fleur really. She's just annoying. Fanfic has made my hate for her reach new heights. I know it's only because authors write her this way, but that doesn't help any. This story would have been a lot better if the author had made Fleur less of a prissy, perfect bitch. Sadly, everyone thinks Fleur is perfect in every way.

We give this a:

Chapter 1: A Day in the Life of Fleur

Fleur Delacour was sitting in her bathroom at Beauxbatons on a stool applying her makeup carefully. The bathroom was very big, with a vanity, stool, huge jacuzzi tub with five different valves, all of which did different things. There was a toilet and huge counter with a marble top and three sinks. The rug on the floor covered the marble floor, and the rug itself was a peach color.

Princess Kathleen: Is it possible to add more depth to Fleur's character rather than making her a vain airhead? Also thanks for the detailed description of a bathroom from the Park Hyatt hotel.

"Hurry up Fleur!" She heard her best friend, Arielle outside the door. She just laughed and shouted back. "I'll be done in ten minutes, Arielle! Hold on!"

Princess Joy: Seriously? I thought Fleur was a natural beauty. She wouldn't need make-up to enhance her appearance.

Fleur smiled and gazed into the mirror in front of her. Staring back was a very pretty blonde haired girl with blue eyes. Her hair was very blonde, nearly white. She smiled again, and revealed her perfectly straight, white teeth. She had long, thick eyelashes and pouty pink lips. Her cheeks were pale, but had a hint of pink in them.

Princess Victoria: Is she admiring the make-up she just put on?
Princess Kathleen: Must we make her so vain? She's really boring this way.

Eventually the three of them were ready, wearing their grey-silver school robes.

Princess Joy: The book (you know, that thing this story is supposed to based upon) describes Beauxbatons general colours are powdery blue and light blue. Unless of course, for the sake of making this story even worse, the Sue author decided to match the school robes to Fleur, rather than the school colour.

All of the floors in the Beauxbatons palace were marble, and chandeliers hung everywhere. There were beautiful tapestries with princesses being rescued from towers and rosebushes around every corridor. All of the ceilings were elaborately carved, and had been that way for hundreds of years. There were statues lining the hallways but no clanking suits of armor.

Princess Joy: Because armour always clanks when it's on DISPLAY!!
Princess Kathleen: Were rosebushes really all that dangerous to princesses?

Beauxbatons varied from Hogwarts in the fact that they only attended school five years, and there were not four houses. There were only two, Apollo and Artemis, named after the Roman god and goddess. In the Apollo house, were the boys. In the Artemis house, were the girls.

Princess Victoria: Five years? Explain why Gabirelle is there then.
Princess Joy: Sadly, she has still divided up the school by sexes... creative... but not creative enough.
Princess Kathleen: Why name the houses after gods/goddesses who have no real connection to the school? Did Artemis build the school?

At Beauxbatons, there were about fifty round tables that seated six people each.

Princess Joy: Because that is totally an effecient use of space.

All of the girls, except for Fleur, were quite fond of Cecile, who had black hair and blue eyes, and was quite opposite of Fleur, yet Fleur felt competition.

Princess Kathleen: Competition is a noun or a descriptive adjective. You are missing a word there!
Princess Victoria: Oh noes!! It will be a cat fight!!

Fleur sat in between Arielle and Christophe, while Noelle sat next to Pierre and Cecile.

Princess Victoria: You know, I'm going to forget this once I read it.

Hmm.." she said slowly, as though mentally going over her schedule, "I think I ‘ave ‘ze time to spend with you." She smiled at him as he nodded

Princess Joy: Why does no one else talk like Fleur in the fake French accent?? Seriously. No one else does!
Princess Victoria: But she doesn't at the beginning of the story.

When they arrived in class, they discovered they would be taking notes on cleaning charms.

Princess Victoria: OMG NO WAY! What a discovery!!! Notes!!! Whoda thunk it.

She smiled to herself. How much better could things get? She was beautiful, the most popular girl in school, and now had a date with the very handsome Andre. Could anything make her life better?

Princess Kathleen: Um, I'm thinking its a fifty/fifty chance of either getting ridiculously better, or it all going down the shitter.

Gabrielle was about the only person that Fleur really was ridiculously kind to—she realized how much Gabrielle looked up to her.

Princess Joy: Fleur = Paris Hilton or is it just me?

"I had to find you! Mum sent a letter this morning." Gabrielle pulled a long piece of parchment from her bag and handed it to Fleur.

Princess Victoria: Shouldn't Gabrielle be calling her "mama" and not the British "mum"?

"Hey Elle.." Fleur said, using her little sister's nickname.

Princess Joy: For some reason her nickname grates my nerves. Maybe because I think they would never use nicknames, seeing as how they're so proper and perfect and all that.

I can't believe I got it!!" Fleur's biggest dream had come true—she was a wizard fashion model, and had just gotten her first job for a segment in Witch Weekly.

Princess Kathleen: Since when is Witch Weekly the wizard equivalent of Vogue? I always envisioned it sort of like Redbook or Chatelaine.

Total Number of Times the Story Referred to Current Celebutantes:21
Total Number of Times Nothing Made Any Effing Sense: 13
Total Number of Times Fleur Sounds Intelligent: 0

Chapter 2: The TriWizard Tournament

A/NI figured I should write like JK, and make Fleur sound French, but I realized, if they really were at their school, they wouldn't be speaking English, so they wouldn't have the accent thing going on...therefore regular writing is okay...

Princess Victoria: At least she's giving up trying that experiment.

Just as Fleur was beginning to wonder if her life could get any better, she realized it could, and in all likely hood, would become better.

Princess Joy: There are no words...
Princess Kathleen: O Grammar Gods! Please Smite this horrid sentence! We shall be grateful for the service, forever and ever.

there was a louder buzz of talking going around the main hall, which they found unusual. Beauxbatons students were well disciplined, and never raised their voices in a setting such as evening meal.

Princess Kathleen: Um, if you get teenagers in one place, at one time, it's going to get loud! No matter how well behaved they are. And it will be ten times worse in a marble hall. Echo anyone?

Noelle and Arielle were the type of girls who were easily confused–as far as Fleur was concerned, they were her sidekicks, nothing else. They were somewhat enjoyable to hang out with, but Fleur never remembered having a deep conversation with them...in fact, she couldn't remember having a deep conversation with anyone.

Princess Joy: Maybe that was all Fleur's fault, not her "sidekicks".
Princess Victoria: But Fleur, have you ever tried to have a deep conversation?
Princess Kathleen: Of course not! She's the French version of Paris Hilton. Maybe that's the problem with her sidekicks... she thinks they're the T-Mobile kind.

Basically, Arielle and Noelle were the second and third prettiest girls in the year, therefore, Fleur's best friends, as she was the prettiest.

Princess Joy: How else would it be? *flips hair over her shoulder*
Princess Kathleen: Ladies, we have a Sparkleypoo!

Fleur ordered her usual–a light salad with no dressing, and one piece of grilled salmon with spinach and escargot on the side, no dessert

Princess Joy: Why was it so important to tell us that?
Princess Victoria: But I thought the French loved their food and wouldn't skimp on anything?
Princess Kathleen: I'm thinking this Sue-author has just read "French Women Don't Get Fat".

Before the food arrived, Madame Maxime walked (more accurately, waddled) up to the table where Fleur and her friends were sitting, and tapped Fleur on the shoulder.

Princess Victoria: Madame Maxime doesn't waddle. Do you think she would be waddeling around looking for Giants with Hagrid? No! She's not fat, she's part-giant!

Total Number of Times the Story Referred to Current Celebutantes: 39
Total Number of Times Nothing Made Any Effing Sense: 24
Total Number of Times Fleur Sounds Intelligent: 0

Chapter 3: Meeting with Maxime

Fleur and Madame Maxime settled into the Headmistress office comfortably, Maxime barely fitting into her oversize armchair, while another person could sit with Fleur in her chair.

Princess Victoria: Madame Maxim would just get a bigger chair!
Princess Kathleen: Yeah, I mean she is the Headmistress after all.

Fleur asked meekly, although she knew that she was bound to be school champion.

Princess Joy: Because you're perfect, right?

"Of course. You're my top student, most talented, et cetera. You are the only choice, basically." Madame Maxime explained. "Now lets talk about your room at Hogwarts..."

Princess Victoria: Et Cetera? Who says et cetera? Espically when dealing with listing someone's abilities.

Fleur scanned the list, seeing that it was much like her current room. Suddenly she found a flaw. "It says that I have a four drawer dresser...could I please have a six drawer?" Madame Maxime nodded. "And I don't see a closet listed here..."

Princess Joy: Are you serious?!
Princess Kathleen: Flaw? THAT'S a flaw?? *sigh* Just... No...

Fleur snorted. "Andre, get up...purity and devotion..." She took the rose from his hand, casually dropped it to her side, and kissed him. "Let's go somewhere a little more private."

Princess Joy: Ladies don't snort.
Princess Victoria: Ladies also don't go off to "somewhere a little more private."
Princess Kathleen: *cough cough*ParisHilton*cough cough*

Total Number of Times the Story Referred to Current Celebutantes: 58
Total Number of Times Nothing Made Any Effing Sense: 31
Total Number of Times Fleur Sounds Intelligent: 0

Princess Joy: This fic wasn't horrible. I'll admit, it could have been a lot worse. However, the author chose to make Fleur the same way everyone else makes her seem: snobbish and everyone's dream. If the author had expanded her character at all and planned the storyline out a bit more, this fic could have been much more interesting.

Really messed up!!

2006-08-20T06:09:58Z

Link: messed UP

Summary:cant describe it just read plz...

Princess Victoria: "You" stories are like 'choose-your-own-adventures'. Only you don't get to choose. Which makes them less fun. I feel that this story could be more tolerable if it was written in the third person.

We give this a:

Chapter 1: FUCKED UP (The author's title, not ours)

Princess Joy: Who is Balise?
Princess Kathleen: Balise? is that like a mini Basilisk?

Balise: " We have to get back to the portkey we cant go back for him"
You: " No I would make him go back if it was u"

Princess Victoria: This Balise creature is an asshole. Too bad it's not Blaise, then he'd be loyal to Draco.
Princess Kathleen: I'm so confused... Where are Crabbe and Goyle in all of this?

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 29
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 9
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 4
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 0
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 5
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 16

Chapter 2: So it begins

Ok heres the deatils. u are the daughter of you-know-who and it is your fith year . u have known draco and balise for as long as u can remember. Harry potter still hasent beaten your father yet but know that draco and balise are of te age to become death eaters some things r going to change . Espicialy when they bot have feeling for you and a prophecy must be filled . oh and every time u see this ~!~!~!~!~ enter your name just like my other stories. hope u all like plz R\R ^.^

Princess Victoria: 1) You are a Voldemort Daughter. 2) You are in an OBVIOUS love triangle between "Balise" and Draco.
Princess Joy: 3)Your writing needs proofreading, very, very, very badly.
Princess Kathleen: This information was not in Chapter 1 why?

oh and every time u see this ~!~!~!~!~ enter your name just like my other stories.

All Princesses: Okaaaay. So, here at Gelderstien, we choose the name "Severus Snape". Let's see how this goes.

you followed hm up the steeps to the manor.

Princess Victoria: Steeps? Like the Mongolian Steeps? Is Gengis Khan coming 'round the bend?
Princess Kathleen: Look!! It's the Golden horde!! Maybe they've come to save us from this craptacular story!!

It revealed a beautiful bedroom with black carpeting and pale li green walls and the same color ceiling.

Princess Kathleen: What's li green?
Princess Joy: I think it's light green.
Princess Victoria: But it could be lily green.
Princess Kathleen: Or maybe she was trying to spell kelly green and her hands slipped.

the wndows led to a pato ouside where there was a small table and chairs.

Princess Joy: OMG! I want a pato too!

he knew that balise had told u that he liked you in there third year and still did. but he had thought that u liked him as well.

Princess Joy: So, Draco thinks you are a big slut.
Princess Kathleen: Wow... So we're using Junior High Relationship logic. I see...

Balise: " did you drop anything in here? "
Draco: "No did u?"
Balise: " No, it must of came from down stairs"
Draco: " Stay here Severus Snape dont go anywhere"

All Princesses: Yes Severus, don't go anywhere!

Draco: " MUM r u ok?"
Narcissa: " I'm fine "

Princess Victoria: Nice. *claps slowly, emitting an echo*
Princess Kathleen: I really hate this style of storytelling... Why can't it be "Draco said this" or "Narcissa said that"?
Princess Joy: Points for the fact she actually spelled Narcissa right though.

Draco: " I-I'm going to bed"

Princess Kathleen: Draco, why are you always a pussy in fanfiction?
All Princesses: *sigh* Dear Sue Authors, please stop making Draco an emo pussy. Thank you. Sincerely, the Princesses and the fandom.

you couldnt help but to fell sorry for dradco and his mother.

Princess Victoria: I feel sorry for "dradco" for having the name "dradco"
Princess Kathleen: Dradco and his mother? Like Grendel and his mother?

************
Dracos P.O.V.
***********

Princess Victoria: Oh, God, no.
Princess Kathleen: I thought this was a you story. Draco! Get your own story!!! Or get Lucius a beer!!

Draco: " thats right hide your blushing eyes" in a annoyed voice.

Princess Victoria: Draco, you're an ass! Just deal with the fact that she doesn't want you to "get inside her".
Princess Kathleen: I think that's physically impossible....
Princess Joy: I think it may be a medical condition.

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 226
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 43
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 41
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 2
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 16
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 52

Chapter 3: "u bloody well knew it"

Your father had married a muggle who he thought would never happen .

Princess Kathleen: You're right! That would never happen!

It was october and it was getting near your birthday. which was on halloween, on the day of your birth day the whle Slytherin house through a party for u.

Princess Victoria: Redundant much about your birthday!?
Princess Kathleen: What does whle mean?
Princess Joy: I think it means whole.
Princess Victoria: No way! It totally means whale!

Draco: " I'll be right back"

Princess Victoria: I'm surprised it didn't say brb.

Before his lips collied with yours once more.one of his hands was making its way up your skirt. He pulled of your underware and unzipped his pants. he placed himself between your legs and entered u inch by slow inch.

Princess Joy: That's some foreplay!
Princess Kathleen: Nicely done, Sue Author. I can't for the life of me think of a more elegantly and sensuous love scene ever written. Nice job... *claps slowly*

He watched as pain spread throught your body he gave u time to get used to him. And then he began to pound u.

Princess Kathleen: He's such a good lover, taking her virginity in such a gentle way.
Princess Victoria: I wonder what Voldemort thinks about Balise "pounding" his little girl.
Princess Joy: Geez, that's romantic! I can only hope to be touched like that one day.

You opened your eyes only to stare into cold grey ones. U pulled away fromBalise

Princess Victoria: Why would you pull away? You've never given Draco real cause to think you liked him.

Draco shoved him aginst the wall and punched him.

Princess Joy: With her still on him.
Princess Kathleen: Aren't Severus and Balise still in coital bliss?
Princess Victoria: I wonder if you could use a levitating charm for a situation like that?

Balise: " Nothing is yours anymore, Not even her" he laughed
Draco: " Your wrong, Were forever Severus Snape nd Me"

Princess Kathleen: *snerk*

Balise: " no draco your less thats y she never really loved u"
Draco: " No Balise she nevered loved u because u wern't me , the new me"
Balise: " I guess that means she was thinking about u all this time i was puttin it to her"

All Princesses: Why doesn't Severus Snape have a say in all of this?
Princess Kathleen: I'm oddly reminded of the Simpsons episode where Grandpa Simpson dreams he's the Queen of the Old West and he carries a six shooter in his garter. "Wait boys, you can both marry me!!!"

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 423
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 102
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 67
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 2
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 43
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 86

Chapter 4: "u say that alot"

Bar tender: " It's raining hard out there so the young lady has to stay the night ."

Princess Joy: Because witches melt in the rain, just like in the Wizard of Oz!

Draco: " that won't be necessry"
Draco: " She will be fine with me , Oh i don't supose u have an owl do u ?"

Princess Victoria: Yo! You didn't have to use two seperate lines!
Princess Kathleen: Repeat after me: I need a beta...BADLY!!

Dear,

headmaster

i thought i would inform u that ms Snape is going to spending the night with me in the hogs head . The reason for this is because the weather is to harsh for her to return safley to the castle . i hope u will understand.

Draco Malfoy...

Princess Victoria: The rain is going to get her?
Princess Kathleen: Did he really have to use ellipses at the end of his name? it just screams "SUSPICIOUS MOTIVES FOR DETOUR!!!"

Princess Joy: WHAT'S WITH THE DRAWING OF THE GUN AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER!?!?!?!?!?

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 621
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 156
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 106
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 3
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 44
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 92

Chapter 5: chapter 5

Princess Victoria: It seems she got sick of the "*" as headers. The "-" key is so much easier to hold.

He gazed down at the face of an angel

All Princesses: Severus doesn't look like an angel. Muhahaha.

the light hit her face making u look more beautiful than ever and so still when she was sleeping he thought.

Princess Joy: How does the light hitting someone else's face make you more beautiful? What are they? Quasimodo?

I should go back with her what if Balise tries something stupid .

Princess Joy: Wasn't "Balise" her lover willingly?
Princess Kathleen: Like kill you Draco? Isn't that what you're really worried about?

it is my job to keep her safe for the ministry.

Princess Victoria: Where does it entail that it is your job to protect her?
Princess Kathleen: The Ministry wants her protected? Voldemort's daughter? Yes...

But this is the reason he sent her away

Princess Joy: Voldemort would never send his daughter willingly to Hogwarts. Ever.
Princess Kathleen: Not unless he planned to use her like a spy. Hmm.... that would make this story a lot better.

besides i love her but she doesn't know it.Or at least i don't think she dose.

Princess Joy: I don't think she dose either.
Princess Kathleen: By love, he means crack

you woke up to find no one next to u.

Princess Kathleen: No one? Shouldn't that read "You wake up to find that Draco wasn't next to you?"

your eyes meet grey.you brushed your lips against his only for a moment and then you licked and nibbled on his .he pulled you into an embracing kiss,The kiss seamed so tense that it nearly blinded him. you pulled away from him and spoke with your lips an inch a part from his.

Princess Joy: Who is this "grey" and why are you making out with him?
Princess Victoria: You licked and nibbled his what? You didn't finish that thought.
Princess Kathleen: Grey? I thought you were with "Balise"? You really are a slut.

The kiss seamed so tense that it nearly blinded him.

Princess Joy: Blinded him? God help him when they have sex.
Princess Kathleen: Who is this Kiss? and why is he/she making clothes tense?
Princess Victoria: I thought that was happened when you masturbate too much

]You:

Princess Victoria: Where did the "]" come from? They aren't even near each other on the keyboard!

The both of them hugged each other and patted one another on the back

Princess Kathleen: We both scored man! With the slut that is Voldemort's Daughter!

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 682
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 165
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 131
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 4
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 53
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 105

Chapter 6: Admitted

when you happened to notice Draco’s muscular back flex beneath his tight black shirt

Princess Victoria: Students wear robes.

and shouldn’t he be wearing his uniform?,

Princess Victoria: Yes!

Princess Kathleen: Draco sounds like he doesn't want you...

Hell I don’t even know what it is.
Merlin! If she doesn’t stop looking at me like that…

Princess Joy: Hello! Tense change!

You:“You make me feel—"

All Princesses: LIKE DANCING!
Princess Joy: Like a natural woman?

Draco:“I hate you, but yet you make my body crave you like water. Why do you do that?”

Princess Victoria: You hate her? What? You totally loved her in the last chapter.
Princess Kathleen: So much wrong with that sentence... But it's omgeversoromantic!!1!!one!!

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 754
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 171
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 158
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 5
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 54
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 111

Chapter 7: I caught fire [in your eyes]

Who happened to be wearing his Quidittich robes and caruing his numbius and 2001.

Princess Joy: Not a numbius and a 2001! Exciting! Two brooms! Wow!

You:“Now, I believe my body language is giving off ‘fuck me’ vibes. Don’t you think?”

Princess Kathleen: Um, that's crude.

Princess Joy: Hello random lyrics!

He started out slow as he watched you moan and claw him on his back

Princess Joy: And how does someone do that exactly?

Princess Victoria: This girl always gets "fucked". No man ever makes love to her.

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 793
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 177
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 175
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 6
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 57
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 139

Chapter 8: why i let u do this to me

Princess Victoria: It's called foreplay, try it.

You: " Draco"
Draco" don't spoil the moment love "

Princess Joy: HaHa! He doesn't want to remember that it's you he's fucking.
Princess Kathleen: Who wants to bet on who he's picturing instead of you Serverus?

at the table ther were rumers that you and draco were a couple and that last night you gave your self to him.

Princess Victoria: That sounds ridiculous, nobody who gossips says "gave herself to him".
Princess Kathleen: So, now you decide to trot out the fancy euphemisims for sex, where a chapter before you were declaring "Fuck me!!" Fantastic turn around!

I mean sure he did have you but the two of u wern't really a couple u were just really close friensd.

Princess Joy: Ah, so you are fuck friends. Voldemort would be so proud.

Balise: " I said how was it with the girl"
Draco: " It was amazing "
Basile: " i can tell" he said with a chuckle.

Princess Kathleen: Uh, "Balise" you should know. You slept with her first.
Princess Joy: This "Basile" sounds better than "Balise".

Princess Victoria: Does "the girl" not have a name? Should you be inserting Severus Snape into the ~*~*~*~*~*~?

Draco:" so how r u nd mill ?"
Balise: " fine tow whole months and were still going strong"

Princess Joy: When did this happen? And I must say that "Balise" is getting the short end here, first Voldemort's Daughter, then Millicient? Yuck.
Princess Kathleen: I have no idea what they just said... None at all...

Balise: " U don't know do u ? , I mean you and " he jerked his head toward the end of the table were you happened to be sitting.
Draco: " OK you've gone to far"

Princess Kathleen: That's right! Don't sully my name by saying we're a couple! I just sleep with her! HOW DARE YOU!

Draco: " i couldn't even if there was a posibitaly We have a job"

Princess Victoria: You have a job? *claps slowly* Want a cookie?

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 850
Total Number of Netspeak Words: 190
Total Number of Bad Dialogue Formatting: 199
Total Number of Tender Moments Between Lovers: 6
Total Number of Times Blaise is Spelled Wrong: 65
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 201

Princess Victoria: This story has an intresting idea, but I feel that the author is too immature to handle the situations that she places her characters in. Their reactions are not logical or thought through. While it's common in fanfic world that if you have sex in your fic you'll get more reviews, this story would have been better if that aspect was either left out, or developed more.

Forbidden Love-ew!

2006-08-12T22:23:49Z

Link: Malfoy's Slave

Summary:Draco is home before his 3rd year and Lucius buys a slave Mudblood girl. Draco is forbid to love her. But he can't not love her. Can he sneek a kiss without Lucius knowing?

Princess Kathleen: So, there is some obessession among Sue-authors with Draco and Mudbloods. Understandable as he does seem to have an obsession with them throughout the books (D/HR shippers, I'm looking at you). However, this Sue-author expects us to believe that there is a wizard slave trade in Mudbloods? Bitch, please... Though it brings to mind a favourite song of mine..*starts dancing* Dirty Baaaaaaaaaabe! You see these shackles? Baby, I'm your slaaaaaaaaaaave. I'll let you whip me if I misbeaaaaaave. It's just that no one makes me feel this waaaaaaaaaay

We give this a:

Chapter 1: Malfoy's Slave

Draco fell to the ground. He rubbed his cheek where he was hit. Lucius took advantage of Draco being knocked down and kicked him in the chest.

Princess Joy: I don't care how messed Lucius' and Draco's relationship is, I realy don't think Lucius actually beats Draco.
Princess Kathleen: It isn't "was hit". It is where he HAD BEEN hit. Points though for opening the story with "Idiot Boy"

"...Go fetch me a beer or you’ll spend the rest of the night down in the Dungeons!”

Princess Victoria: Yes!! Hillybilly Lucius!! Lucius is so refined, I highly doubt he would act like this.
Princess Kathleen: Having Lucius want beer is rather like having Frasier tell Niles to help himself to the Velveeta... Wrong on so many levels of OOC.

When Lucius had left, Draco began to sob softly. ‘What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right?’

Draco later cried himself to sleep

Princess Victoria: 1) If you got him beer, you would have done something right. 2) You are a pussy Draco. A big ol' pussy.
Princess Kathleen: Why do Sue-authors persist with this Emo!Draco? Promise me he doesn't turn into Pete Wentz in the next few paragraphs... *shudders*

Draco was in his room lying on his bed on his stomach. He sighed deeply.
But then he heard yells from down stairs.
“NO! PLEASE! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Idiot boy!” Lucius yelled as he hit Draco across the face.

Princess Joy: What the hell just happened? Did I miss something?
Princess Kathleen: WTF?!? What is with these awkward transitions... If I didn't enjoy teh mocking, I'd have walked away from this one by this point...

Princess Joy: So, this story confused me at first. First we see Draco being mistreated by Lucius, being told to fetch a beer and all that. Then we see Draco being locked in the dungeons as Lucius tells him he has to go buy a slave now. Then, we see Draco being mistreated by Lucius again, the exact same as the beginning of the story. We are then back down in the dungeons hearing Lucius tell Draco has to buy a slave, again. Then we continue on with the first chapter.
Princess Victoria: BACKSPACE IS YOUR FRIEND!!

No one loved him. His father abused him all of the time.

Princess Victoria: But what about your mom Draco?
Princess Kathleen: Apparently Narcissa died or disappeared... Or something... Maybe she was just drunk... I really don't know...

Lucius would kill young Draco.

Princess Victoria: ...But would let Old Draco live.
Princess Kathleen: How many Draco's are in this family? Are we on the third one? And how much younger is he than the old one?

“No!” he said. “The girl is off limits! She is only for slave work.”

Princess Joy: Jerk.
Princess Victoria: For some reason, "She is only for slave work." amuses me. I think I might use that line on people. "Don't eat the cookie! It's only for slave work!"
Princess Kathleen: By which he means hot animalistic sex.

“Please don’t do this to her father! She doesn’t deserve it!”

Princess Victoria: How do you know? She could be a criminal...
Princess Kathleen: Yes Emo!Draco. You are right... She doesn't deserve it. You need to be beaten with the pimp cane until the emoness leaves you.

‘I have to save her!’ Draco thought. ‘….. Somehow.’

Princess Joy: Oooo, foreshadowing cliffhanger!
Princess Kathleen: Why does this remind me of a really bad 2 part Xena episode?

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 6
Total Number of Words in the Stroy: 911 (527 when not repeated)

Chapter 2: Anamariea Malfoy

When he was sure his father was asleep drunk on the couch

Princess Joy: I can't picture Lucius being drunk at all.
Princess Victoria: Or asleep on a couch.
Princess Kathleen: Yeah, Lucius really doesn't seem to be the type to pass out drunk... Maybe he'd get stoned, but certainly not drunk.

“You need not call your master. I don’t want that.”

Princess Victoria: Yeah, Draco, I didn't think you wanted Lucius called either.
Princess Kathleen: No, little slave girl. he wants YOU!!

“I would like you to be called ‘Anamariea Malfoy’ from marring me.

Princess Joy: Now, did the author really mean marring, or did they perhaps mean marrying? Because, according to dictionary.com marring means to inflict damage, especially disfiguring damage and to impair the soundness, perfection, or integrity of. While marrying means to join as spouses by exchanging vows and to take as a spouse. You be the judge. Personally, I think marring adds an interesting spin to the story.
Princess Victoria: If I was her I would be totally creeped out. Marriage? What?
Princess Kathleen: I agree with Princess Joy. I'd rather this be marring than marrying. Because frankly, proposing to someone within moments of properly meeting them is fairly creeptastic. I've heard of whirlwind courtships, but this is ridiculous.

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 14
Total Number of Words in the Stroy: 1135 (751 when not repeated)

Princess Kathleen: In sum, the premise is not a bad one in and of itself, though it is rather out of place when placed within strict canon (how could it operate "safely" without the ministry knowing of it? Serious plot hole there) Despite reports to the existence of such slavery rings in the modern world, it is difficult to picture this sort of thing happening in the Wizarding World. To improve the story, we suggest reducing the amount of OC-ness of Draco (emo is really not good in large doses, and he needs to stop randomly proposing to people), and increasing the amount of detail about the slave and how she got there in the first place. Oh! and let's not forget returning this random Hillbilly!Lucius from whence he came.

Oh no! My brain has been taken hostage!

2006-08-06T05:35:58Z

Link: Hostage Girl

Summary:Draco must show his father that Draco IS worthy of his life. Draco wants to show his anger. He must kiddnap. He must KILL!

Princess Joy: hpstories.com always surprises me with what they allow to be posted. Case in point: Hostage Girl. Now, when I read this title I already knew three things about the story. 1)There was a female lead character, probably an OC, because she is simply called "girl" in the title with no refrence to canon. 2)The kidnapper is more likely than not a Malfoy, Black, Snape or Lestrange because the good guys doon't kidnap people. 3)She will fall in love with her capture, probably quite quickly.

We give this a:

Chapter 1: Hostage Girl

Tod Petterson. A girl of 17. An orphan girl. A normal girl. A lonely girl who hates nothing. Nothing, that is, exept BOYS!

Princess Victoria: *starts singing "Girl" by O-Town*
Princess Kathleen: How the hell do you name your daughter Tod with a clear concience? I mean, what name shortens legitimately to Tod? Also, what is this BOYS you speak of? Boys and Girls club?

Tod was the best in town with medical work. When a fellow orphan had a broken leg and the ambunclence was not there yet, Tod knew what to do.

Princess Victoria: OMG Doogie Howser!
Princess Kathleen: Sue-author, sweetheart. It's not "medical work", it's called being a doctor. Thanks for coming out and not playing the game right though!

She was beautiful. And yet she was lonely.

Princess Victoria: Yes, because if you were beautiful then you shouldn't be lonely.

Tod looked across the road to see a dark fugure. It was limping. It was holding its arm in pain.
Then the fugure fell to the ground.
Tod went to investigate.

Princess Joy: Shouldn't you be calling an ambulance or doing whatever magic medical stuff it is you do?
Princess Kathleen: Because that's the logical thing to do in sketchy situations like this... Oh wait! There is no logic in Sueland! Silly me!

Anyone who was medical like Tod knew that was blood.

Princess Victoria: Or anyone who has any sort of logic....
Princess Kathleen: I forgot to ask but how does an orphan get all this medical training? Can she do a tracheotomy?

At least, I think she has seen worse. Uh, oh. Oops.

Princess Joy: What? Did you screw up the sentence, forget to put another Tod in there and forget where the backspace button was?
Princess Kathleen: Nice work! *claps slowly*

You could get to the basement from out side (which was deserted too) so Tod was careful not to hurt the boy going the old wooden stairs.

Princess Joy: How exactly did Tod get "the boy" down the stairs?

"Yep. Sure. Whatever."

Princess Victoria: Best. Sentence. Ever.

Princess Joy: I suddenly hate everyone named Todd. *eye twitch*

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 34
Total Number of Times the Name Tod Shows Up: 20
Total Number of Words in the Story: 480
Total Number of Stupid Comments: 13

Chapter 2: your safe

"Inst tod a boys name?"
Tod started to wonder if she should of just left this moron to be killed by that person that was trying to find him.
"Well, i just saved your life. this isnit much of a thank you-"

Princess Joy: You know, she never did answer his question.
Princess Victoria: You don't save people's lives to get thank yous. You do it so they don't die.

"I dont know if hes still here, so SHHHHH! Your safe now!"

Princess Victoria: You know this whole scene reminds me of the beginning of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.
Princess Kathleen: This would be soooo much better if it had pirates!

"...O MY GOD!..."

Princess Joy: Draco wouldn't be saying anything about God. He's a wizard, so it would be about Merlin, stupid.

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 51
Total Number of Times the Name Tod Shows Up: 25
Total Number of Words in the Story: 637
Total Number of Stupid Comments: 21

Chapter 3:You ruined my death

"Why would someone's father unlove his son?"

Princess Victoria: Unlove? Don't you mean hate?
Princess Kathleen: Worst use of a made-up verb. Ever.

The boy called Draco bowed his head.

Princess Joy: I'm pretty sure we established that back in chapter 2.

"YOU MUGGLE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! MAYBE I WANTED TO BE LEFT OUT THERE TO ROT AND DIE! MAYBE I WANTED TO DIE! MAYBE I WANTED MY LIFE TO END! IM TIRED OF NOT HAVING ANYONE TO CARE ABOUT ME! IM TIRED OF LIVING!!!! I WNAT IT TO END!!!"

Princess Victoria: Uh... Draco kinda sounds like Emperor Cuzco in this part. Plus, Draco shouldn't be too worried, I mean, he can still die. And didn't he not want to die in the last chapter?
Princess Kathleen: All we are missing is llama face. Though ferret might just do the trick. And since when is Draco such a whiny emo baby? I want to smack him!!

Draco started to cry a little.

Princess Joy: Draco would never cry.

He pulled out a thin piece of wood and pointed it at Tod.

Princess Joy: Where exactly did he pull it out from?
Princess Victoria: It grew off his face from his magic tears.
Princess Kathleen: Worst sexual euphemism ever!

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 68
Total Number of Times the Name Tod Shows Up: 30
Total Number of Words in the Story: 917
Total Number of Stupid Comments: 27

Chapter 4: Dreams and nightmares

Princess Joy: This chapter is proof as to why the majority of fanfic sites have higher standards now to submitted fics. 98 words.

Draco had brought them to a sort of empty wearhouse. He looked around. He smirked. He seemed happy with his hideout choice.

Princess Victoria: Weren't they already behind an abandoned building? You know, in Chapter 1?
Princess Kathleen: *snores* No, Luscious... Don't spank me with your pimpcane... *Princess Joy kicks her, and she wakes up* What...? Did I miss anything?
Princess Joy: Ha! No!

How could somebody just fall asleep right after he kidnaped someone???

Princess Victoria: Oh Tod, wait until you have a sex life, you'll be amazed what men fall asleep after.
Princess Kathleen: It's ironic, because reading this fic makes me want to fall asleep.

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 75
Total Number of Times the Name Tod Shows Up: 33
Total Number of Words in the Story: 1015
Total Number of Stupid Comments: 29

Chapter 5: Dreams and Nightmares

Princess Joy: 71 words, and the exact same thing as chapter 4!!*sporks eyes out*

Tod was too afraid to sleep, but fear eventually put her into dreams and nightmares.

Princess Victoria: Fear would keep you awake. The gentle snores of Draco will put you asleep.
Princess Kathleen: Aren't dreams and nightmares seperate things? I mean, really....?

Total Number of Spelling/Grammar Mistakes: 82
Total Number of Times the Name Tod Shows Up: 36
Total Number of Words in the Story: 1086
Total Number of Stupid Comments: 32

Princess Joy: This was a very promising story, but we found the writing to be too jarring. We suggest finding a beta and don't rush to finish the story. This was our image of Tod:

Where the $@#% did you come from??

2006-07-19T19:39:59Z

Link: Inside Information, a Draco Malfoy story

Summary:This story takes place in the summer after book six.
Eska is a friend of Harry's, helping him to track down the Horcruxes she is kidnapped by Draco Malfoy, when Harry is also captured she's in a perfect place to help...

Princess Victoria: We like picking stories from harrypotterfanfiction.com because they come with bad banners. The banner for this fic (under the cut) looks like it has Tom Felton with the chick from the Da Vinci Code separated by words and bird crap... But that's just my intrepreation of "art".

We give this a:

Chapter 1: Caught

I planned to go to University after Hogwarts if I got the N.E.W.T’s but after Dumbledore’s funeral I decided, with Ron and Hermione that helping Harry track down Voldemort’s horcruxes was more important than finishing school.

Princess Victoria: Where the fuck did you come from?
Princess Kathleen: If you were that central a character, JKR might have mentioned you in the previous books, KTHANXBAI....stupid sue...

“Ron can you come with me to Riddle’s? I think we’ll need to be very careful as the Death Eaters may be watching that place”.

Princess Victoria: That's like saying there might be presents under the tree on Christmas Day.
Princess Kathleen: And what is Riddle's exactly? It sounds like a pancake house, where Death Eaters randomly hang out. OMG! I think we have discovered their weakness!!1!

Eska, can you go to your Dad’s university and research the founders of Hogwarts? They’re bound to have a more extensive archive than anywhere here”.

Princess Joy: Unlike HOGWARTS! You know, that school they founded and built!
Princess Kathleen: I love how the only Magic University is in randomly Germany.

“I thought we should probably have a safe way of communicating with each other, since Malfoy will have told Voldemort we’re Harry’s best friends they’ll be watching our letters and stuff.

Princess Joy: I'm pretty sure Voldemort knows you're his best friends by now. It would be like him just finding out now that Princess Di died.
Princess Victoria: What is this stuff you speak of Hermione? Porn? Elaborate please.

Princess Kathleen: Yes, hiding scrolls of magic parchement for covert communications, totally safe form of communication. I forsee no problem with that at all.

I decided I’d apparate out to the countryside and have a walk before going back in for a couple more hours.

Princess Kathleen: You're shirking your duty. There's no time for enchanted walks. Ginny would have been hard at work considering Harry's life is IN DANGER! I forsee shenanigans.

“We know Harry likes to play the hero so what better way than to kidnap one of his best friends?” said a sneering, cold voice from behind me. I spun around to see Snape standing behind me.

Princess Kathleen: SHENANIGANS!

All Princesses: SNAPE! *groan*

I sat up and brushed self-consciously at my hair.

Princess Joy: That's a sub concious sign you like him.

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 2
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 2
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 1

Chapter 2: A ghost story

Thanks JK for the characters, except Eska who is my own invention and entirely fictional – except she looks like me and owes her name to a character in Robin Jarvis’s The Whitby Witches.

Princess Victoria: Hello self-insert Mary-Sue! *brain 'splode*
Princess Kathleen: Not only that, but one who plunders names from other works. Stupid cow! You fail at fiction!

I had a wash and found some spare clothes in a closet. I put on some boy’s jeans and a white crop top, a colour which looked good against my olive skin and dark hair

Princess Joy: Magically the random clothes look good on you! AmAzEmEnT!!!!one!11!

I’d been alone for about an hour before I remembered Hermione’s parchment.

Princess Joy: I'm glad someone remembered Hermione.

I am so thick, I should have sent Harry a message straight away…

Princess Victoria: Yes, you should have, but you were too busy putting on the nice clothes ~~for Draco~~ instead.

Come on, I’ve got your room ready. Had to put some charms on the door you see, stop you running” he said.

Princess Joy: WHO SPEAKS LIKE THAT????

“My room? You mean I’m not staying up here?”
“Eska, if I have to spend large amounts of the day with you I am not spending it in this hole.”

Princess Victoria: The Beast: I'll take you to your room.
Belle: My room?
The Beast: You wanna, you wanna stay in the dungeon?
Belle: No
Princess Kathleen: *snerk*

“I have to guard you.”

Princess Joy: Guard? Don't you mean have sex?

“Don’t need to, but maybe I want to. It can get dull here, I’m going to have fun with you Eska” he smirked. Oh goody. It’ll be like potions only 24/7.

Princess Joy: I thought that said "positions" not "potions". *snerk*

...we went into a room. I was stunned, the room was beautiful. It was all decorated in blue and white, with a large bed and soft dark blue suede sofas.

Princess Victoria: *said like Ranier Wolfcastle* To sex you up in.

I got kidnapped by Lucius Malfoy and Snape but don’t worry because I’m alright and apparently I’m not going to be hurt.

Princess Victoria: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *wipes away laugh-tears*
Her letter to Harry is full of "Bye! I found better men here. Death Eaters do it better."
Princess Kathleen: "They just want me to breed super Death Eater Babies, with Draco. Apart from that, everything is fine!" They also have cookies. And cool tatoos.

“Call me Draco.” He sat watching me for a minute, it was beginning to get very uncomfortable.

Princess Victoria: You are uncomfortable now? And not when he let his hand trail down your back? Riiiiight.

I picked one out that just happened to be my favourite book, “Wives and Daughters” by Elizabeth Gaskell (Kate: My fave book too!) and sat down to read.

Princess Victoria: I smell some Pepperjack...and it stinks.

I never told you in school because it didn’t seem important but I know Malfoy fancies you, watch out for him.

Princess Victoria: How would Harry even learn this? He is the most unaware person at Hogwarts.

I’m a vegetarian and Dobby had brought me quorn instead of meat.

Princess Joy: What's quorn? Corn?
Princess Kathleen: What the hell is Dobby doing here? Didn't he end up at Hogwarts, if memory serves? Read the books, asshat!

I shuddered, if Malfoy did fancy me then that put some of today in a whole new perspective… And did explain why he wanted to spend time with me…

Princess Victoria: OR why he touched you, OR why he gave you the nice room... retard.
Princess Kathleen: Thanks, Tips for putting it all together for us. I guess Captain Obvious was busy today.

I jumped, I hadn’t even heard him come in I’d been so deep in my book.

Princess Victoria: OMG! I totally call it that he saw her change!

He sniggered, “no, I doubt I would. Stop reading now I’m here Eska.”

Princess Joy: Malfoy's dont like thier women to read.
Princess Kathleen: Entertain me! Dance monkey! *shakes fist*

“Please lets turn on some lights Draco” I whispered, “Scared?”, “Yes” I admitted ashamedly. He smiled and leant in to me, his lips just brushing mine, dry and warm, making mine tingle.

Princess Victoria: Didn't see that coming at all... nope. That was a hot kiss though.
Princess Joy: 'Twas
Princess Kathleen: 'Twas indeed

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 4
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 2

Chapter 3: Questions

It’s a couple of hours later. I’m lying in bed,

Princess Joy: With Draco???
Princess Kathleen: I'm proud to introduce to you, TownBike!Sue.

I didn’t want to tell him about Draco trying to kiss me, that moment, with the story and the fire seemed very private, and anyway, it wasn’t really that much when you came to try and tell it to someone else.

Princess Victoria: You just say: "Harry you were right, Draco kissed me! *barf*" But you won't, because you want to christen that bed with his seed.

It was Draco, looking worried and with his hair all over the place, like he’d just ~~had sex~~ got up.

“I’ll stay with you.” “Ok” I said quietly, actually quite glad of his company.

Princess Kathleen: Um, yesterday morning you hated him.

Draco was lying next to me, I had my back to him and his arm was round my waist. A very protective gesture.

Princess Victoria: That's actually very cute.

“Eska, come and sit down.” He said, indicating one of the ugly green leather sofas, of which there were several in the room. He sat opposite me. I was very nervous by now. I’d never really liked Lucius and there was no good reason to start now.

Princess Joy: That's the first time he's called her Eska, normally he calls her by her last name.
Princess Kathleen: Hooray for consistency! Or not.

I tapped it with my fingernail, watched the words disappear and shoved the parchment back into it’s hidey-hole.
“What are you doing Eska?” Draco asked, standing right by my shoulder.

Princess Joy: Exciting!

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 7
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3

Chapter 4: A gift

I didn’t know what to think or feel, he’s good looking and I’d always kind of fancied him but he’s such a jerk…

Princess Victoria: Where did you ever like him before this? It seems kinda out of the blue to us.

As dusk was falling, in the garden I could see three figures approaching, my heart sank as I recognized one of them as Bellatrix Lestrange. Oh no... On the lawn near them another figure apparated, Snape. Must be some kind of meeting.

Princess Joy: Nooo, they are all part of a knitting party! That's where the duvet on your bed came from.
Princess Kathleen: "This week boys, we're going to knit tea cozies to sell at the St.Mungo's Christmas Bazaar. Let's start with one that looks like the Dark Lord."

“I wanted you to know I was sorry for being rough with you earlier. I’ve brought you a present. Here”

Princess Victoria: That's what abusive boyfriends do.

“Goodnight Draco.” He hesitated a moment but then leant into me again and this time I didn’t push him away. We kissed and it was wonderful. It felt right this time though, he’d been so nice, I think I was getting to like him. He pulled away and smiled at me. “See you tomorrow,” then he left.

Princess Victoria: Ok. Let's pause here and remember one thing, 48 hours ago, you hated Draco, and now you are wearing his jewelry, and kissing him?! Bah!
Princess Kathleen: Wanted: a Sue that is to fall for Draco within a 48 hour time period. Earth logic need not apply!

Not as much as Parkinson though, I wondered what she’d do if she found out about me kissing him?

Princess Joy: Slap a bitch?

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 8
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3

Chapter 5: Prisoner

"come here." I went and sat on the bed next to him.

Princess Victoria: Demanding much?
Princess Kathleen: Did this turn into BDSM at some point or is it just me that this Sue is very submissive?

He reached over to the chest of drawers and picked up the necklace he'd given me, he fastened it on to my neck. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it clashed with my orange tank top.

Princess Joy: Maybe the necklace is charmed?

"Is it true that Harry's a prisoner here?" I said quietly.
He got up and came over to me. "Yeah it is. I didn't want to tell you in case you were upset."

Princess Victoria: Draco should be concerned about how she knows about Harry.

I read it one last time then burnt the parchment, it wouldn't help Harry if I got implicated.

Princess Joy: YOU COULD HAVE USED THAT TO MESSAGE RON OR HERMIONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He shoved me into a chair, and dropped down next to me.

Princess Victoria: Abusive boyfriend moment #2. I wonder what present she is going to get this time? A puppy? Named Peanut?
Princess Kathleen: or Molasses? or maybe Dingo...

he smirked and leant in and kissed me again, a little roughly perhaps, but I liked it.

Princess Joy: Draco sure likes everything rough.
Princess Kathleen: I'm telling you it's BDSM.

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 10
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3

Chapter 6: A portrait

Read previous chapter to find out what's going on.

Princess Victoria: Lol, that's awesome.

"Oh. Hey, you're shivering. Come into my room and have some hot chocolate."

Princess Victoria: Oh, btw, there's a corpse downstairs, but here, have some hot chocolate.
Princess Kathleen: Chocolate does make everything better...but it's also an aphrodesiac...uh oh...I see where this is going....

"It was a mistake, it was my aunt Bellatrix, Goyle killed her thinking she was Potter.

Princess Victoria: Muhahaha, oh Goyle, you so stupid.

"I need to go to sleep now, you can go back to your room," he ordered.
"Ok."
He took me to my door, kissed me goodnight and left me.

Princess Joy: Draco is such a nice boyfriend.
Princess Kathleen: When he's not shoving her into a chair.

"These are good," said Albrax, waving a Polaroid around to dry.

Princess Joy: Polaroid, eh? They branch out into wizard products now?

"We've put charms on the house so that you may not leave it, you are free to explore it, you can't go outside though." She looked up from her drink and smiled at me. "I have private rooms on the south side of the house, you can come and keep me company, I get a little lonely here too when I'm left."

Princess Victoria: Awww, I like Narcissa here. Not fanon!Narcissa at all.
Princess Joy: I like how she is not fazed that her sister is dead.

"I think Draco likes you, am I right?"

Princess Victoria: No mom talks like that to their son's object of intrest. Ever.
Princess Kathleen: If they try to, it is in the most veiled terms. This is creepy.

"Draco," said Narcissa, her smile deepening as she saw her son, "why don't you show Eska the pool?" .

All Princesses: Random period!
Princess Victoria: And now lets take her to the pool so we can see her in a bikini... I bet it's dark green.
Princess Joy: I bet it would suit her "olive skin"

I grinned, glad that she wasn't going to tell Draco I liked him,

Princess Joy: Seeing how you kiss him, I think he knows. *taps nose*

I found a whole range of swimsuits in mine but eventually chose a white bikini with silver piping, it suited my olive skin.

Princess Victoria: Boo!
Princess Joy: Muhahaha I was right!
Princess Kathleen: I think I owe you ten bucks.

I stood in a shallow part, where the water was up to my neck, resting on the rail and looked across the pool.

Princess Joy: You must be a midget.

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 13
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 3

Chapter 7: My Dad

I instantly felt a lot safer with him around.

Princess Victoria: Yes, because you seemed so scared in your bikini...

My father nodded, "go with Draco now Esk."

Princess Joy: Her dad sounds a bit like a zombie. And how does he know Draco is ok? Shouldn't he assume he's like Lucius?

"So I was wondering if you wanted to make this a bit more formal - be my girlfriend?"

Princess Joy: We're totally holding you captive, but would you be my girlfriend? It would be super cool and I could tell all of my Death Eater buddies.
Princess Kathleen: And we can get matching tatoos and stuff.

I stretched up for another kiss and felt a starburst of happiness

Princess Joy: What the shit is that?
Princess Victoria: Does that happen when she goes shopping? "These shoes are just my size!" *Magical starburst music and glittery light show*
Princess Kathleen: Why am I randomly reminded of the end of Van Helsing?

I didn't have any choice but to help them, I hope you don't think I'm a traitor."

Princess Victoria: Seeing how she's making out with Draco, no, I really don't think she'll see you as a traitor.

"Harry will arrive hear tonight..."

Princess Joy: Harry is stupider than we thought.

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 3
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 15
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 5

Chapter 8: How it ends

As we watched one of the portraits floated off the wall into the middle of the room and elongated until we could see the whole of the Lady and her blue dress, out of it shot a silvery cloud. The other portraits began chanting and the cloud caught fire and burnt up, as the last bit disappeared a brilliant white light shot out and filled the room then faded. "It is gone," they said

Princess Joy: Oh, so that's how you destroy a Horcrux properly. I'll have to let Harry know that for the next book.
Princess Kathleen: Can someone please explain how a portrait can do what a wizard finds very difficult to achieve?

"...Didn't he win?"

Princess Kathleen: No, he didn't, except every Death Eater is dead, dumbass!

"...I thought you'd be on your way to the Bahamas by now!"

Princess Joy: Is that the cool new place to run away to?
Princess Victoria: Because I can totally see him on the beach.

I ran down the corridor and watched them put handcuffs on him and disapparate.

Princess Victoria: Handcuffs? For real?

Me, Ron and Hermione all meet up, every year, not wanting to join the main services, preferring to mourn in private. I've come here on my own though this year to lay flowers because they had to get back to their baby daughter.

Princess Joy: So that's what Ron and Hermione were doing besides helping everyone... MAKING BABIES!!
Princess Kathleen: Aparently they have to repopulate the wizarding world. Or something...

Princess Victoria: Why didn't they keep in touch when he was in jail?

Total Number of Times Hermione is Mentioned: 4
Total Number of Times Ron is Mentioned: 4
Total Number of Obvious Plot Points: 16
Total Number of Times She Smooths Her Hair: 6

Princess Victoria: In the end, while there were elements of this fic that were annoying and bad, like Eska's fast developing love and the characters OOCness, the story itself was pleasently appealing and entertaining. To improve future stories, we suggest the author make her female characters stronger and to focus less on clothes and such. And to please read the books a little more carefully before diving so deep into such an important matter, like Horcruxes, in the Harry Potter universe.

gelderstien @ 2006-04-12T00:59:00

2006-04-12T04:59:47Z

Link: Tayl’s Story

Summary:
Tayl O'Dell is not your ordinary a witch she's not even a really a muggleborn nor a pureblood nor half 'n' half, she's... she transfers to Hogwarts durning her 6th year and meets the Marauders... please review! i hope like!

Princess Kathleen: Hello dear subjects of Gelderstien. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Kathleen of Florin, a neighbouring kingdom to the lands of Princess Joy and Princess Victoria. I have recently joined them in their never-ending quest to search out and spork the dreadful fan fics we find. It has been some time since a fic has been added to the tally, but we feel that this fic, in its specific brand of awfulness, will make up for the prolonged absence. So without further ado, we bring you the horror that is Tayl’s Story.

We give this a:

chapter one

“I’m sorry miss O’Dell but I only know a little french” ya me too, “could you repeat what you said in english?”

Princess Joy: How is it that Dumbledore can speak Mermish but he can't speak French? So much for being buddy-buddy with Madame Maxime.

“you can not be Serious”

Princess Joy: Don't drag him into this, he's not around to defend himself.

Yes it can be boring, no you do not get paid
That sucks
I’m a hat what use would I have for money?
You could give it to me
Now wy would ido that?
Because I’m willing to put you on my head and your at least I don’t know but if what the book said your as old as the school and it old, plus I need money for a horse
A horse?
Ya
Why?
Because they’re my favorite animal and I’ve always wanted one I still need a couple hundred more, well maybe more then that but whatever, so what house are you sorting me in?

Princess Kathleen: Is she serious?

… oh look a bed with my name on it sweet but the gold has to go, there we go silver it is, now my converter will be umm green, blue, purple, and black squares, cool!

Princess Kathleen: The author seems to love her computer just a little too much.

My birthday is the 22 of october so I’m always younger at the beginning of the year, umm I’m 5’6” have long down to mid-back dirty blond hair and have a few light blond highlights and black low lights, my hair turns to ringlets if I let it dry on it’s own, well actually the bottoms almost always curly, umm I have hazel eyes that change between that, green, and brown though not in that order cause they don’t really have an order, ya anyways umm I guess you could say I’m a bit of a tom boy though I can be very girly and sad to say ditzy, umm I have friends though none that I’m really close to except Jasmine and my animals, oh and ya I have a tail and wings as me and the hat were talking about, you see my dad used to be a Griffin but then he feel in love some how with my mom and she’s a muggle, talk about messed up, when they tried to explain this to me I was lost, very lost, ya so he some how got a wizard to turn him into a human there he made my mom fall in love they got married had me and my brother though my brother dosen’t have wings but he does have a tail, oh and we both inherited my dads griffin magic it’s really cool, we can talk to animals and people can’t lie to us though they can lie around us though we know.

Princess Joy: Longest. Sentence. Ever.

Princess Kathleen: According to JKR's 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them', a Griffin is a M.O.M class 4 beast, originating from Greece. Griffins are frequently employed by wizards to guard treasure, much like a sphinx. A handful of skilled wizards have been known to befriend one, despite the ferocity of the beast. It should also be noted that griffins feed on raw meat.

oh and we’re both really really pale with freckles on our noses and cheeks.

Princess Victoria: Because you're Irish, right?!

Princess Kathleen: I'm surprised the author didn't give them red hair too.

ok Sirius has black eyes, I was right! James has blue, and Remus had amber cool,

Princess Joy: So, Remus' eyes have changed from amber since then?

"did they just roll there eyes? They did oh that’s not nice, only I can do that… and Jasmine,"

Princess Victoria: Yes, you have the patent and copyright on eye rolling *rolls eyes*

“nice” and that’s Sirius, wait nice? Me? He’s drunk,"

Princess Victoria: Clearly

"‘owls are for those lower then you fine younge gentilmen and ladies’ "

Princess Victoria: Like the Malfoys????

“thank god, you can explain it to them Remus, don’t grown, it’s not nice, plus I don’t feel like it and I wanna listen to my music”

Princess Joy: *cries*

“probably, silencio there we go, now have to heard of My Chemical Romance?”
“no” oh my god! I mean like every one has maybe not liked it but know the name,

Princess Victoria: Not in 1970!

Princess Kathleen: This is the point in the story, where one must point out that the author seems to have misplaced Peter in their plotline, like usual.

Total Number of Spelling and Grammar Mistakes: 96
Total Number of Times Dumbledore was Misspelled: 4
Total Number of Things in the Wrong Era: 17
Total Number of Times we had No Idea Who was Talking: 63
Total Number of Brain Cells we Lost Reading This Fic: 3902

chapter two

"And don’t think it’s kind of ironic her names Tayl and she has a tail”

Princess Kathleen: haha, NOT! *basking in the non-irony*

but there she stood in the long brown skirt that flowed when she moved and in the currents of air,

Princess Kathleen: As opposed to the currents of water?

“hum, dad would like that little timbit of info” she muttered to herself,

Princess Joy: Since when has there been a Tim Horton's at Hogwarts?

“I can understand if you never want to talk to be again”

Princess Joy: It sounds like someone has a cold.

“he’s our friend and it’s his nickname his real name is Peter Pettigrew, he was at his house for the holidays”

Princess Kathleen: Convenient.

“so then what did you wear?”
“cloths”
“what type of cloths did you wear?” asked Drewcilla,

Princess Victoria: Rags like Dobby maybe?

"Whats this place called?”
“the Great hall”
“I see, I’ll try and remember that"

Princess Victoria: The Great Hall? That's a challenge?

Princess Kathleen: So she's a half-griffin and an animagus? How exactly does that work out?

Total Number of Spelling and Grammar Mistakes: 160
Total Number of Times Dumbledore was Misspelled: 6
Total Number of Things in the Wrong Era: 25
Total Number of Times we had No Idea Who was Talking: 126
Total Number of Brain Cells we Lost Reading This Fic: 6506

gelderstien @ 2006-04-05T00:00:00

2006-04-05T04:07:19Z

Princess Victoria of Gelderland and Princess Joy of Lichtenstien would like to welcome Princess Kathleen of Florin to our reign. She will be helping us out with our current fic, which should be out shortly. Stay tuned!

gelderstien @ 2005-10-09T13:04:00

2005-10-09T18:56:50Z

Link: The New Mermaid

Summary:
hermione finds out that she is a mermaid on her sweet 16. Chatper two edited cheek it ou

Princess Victoria:This fic was featured on pottersues. Normally we don't do fics that have already been featured on there, but this one was so bad that it had to be sporked in it's entirety. For a bonus laugh, read the whole thing out loud pronouncing every word as its spelled.

We give this a:

chapter one: A secret reveled

Princess Joy: A secret what?

"This may really suck to hear this but.... you are not our children." she told me

Princess Victoria: Children? Hermione is more than one child? All your base are belong to us moment?

"She told me 'you, hey you two, this baby girl she is in danger."

Princess Joy: Any sort of sensitivity that was in Hermione's mother's explanation went out the window when the mermaid talked like that.

"Oh that explains why you keep not being you child form me for 16 years... becase I'm a mermaid." I said sarcastically

Princess Joy: WHAT?!?!

"whatever ya gotta belive me. Okay get a wand."

Princess Victoria: Whose mom speaks like that??? "Duh... I failed grammar school!"

I was sixteen and now we were alowed to use our wand if we really needed it

Princess Victoria: Um, no. You're still underage!

She got into a car and and I got in in the front seat beside her.

Princess Victoria: A car? Like a random car that you jacked?

I just sat watching the seanery go by.

Princess Victoria: Ahh seanery. That's what I called it whenever I saw Sean Biggerstaff on the screen.

Then finally out of the blue we got into the ocean.

Princess Joy: They drove into the ocean?
Princess Victoria: Like for a swim?

my eyes were now blue instead of green.

Princess Joy: Her eyes change colour in this fic too?! Bah!

Princess Victoria: Anyone notice that Hermione's mom is kind of "blah"? It's like she doesn't care about her daughter. She's just like, yeah, here's your past... whatever. *eye twitch*

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 32

chapter two: new love

when I transformed into a mermaid. I found I had added jewlery I had a tiara made of dimonds and rubys, gold, braclets, dimond rings, I had a top made of a beautiful silver meterial. My hair was blonde and silvery and long

Princess Joy: *cough*Mary-Sue*cough*
Princess Victoria: Wouldn't that make you drown in the water?

"Thank you" I prepared an did a swan dive. I swam and swam and then went up to the surface. I looked around. Sitting on the beach was a hansome man. I swam up to him. And ploped down on a rock a couple of feet away from him. He had light blonde hair almost white, grey eyes, and instead of his usual smirk he had a smile. You amy wonder why I said usual, This boy is Draco Malfoy, He is the hottest guy in Hogwarts. There was something different about him. Suddenly he woke up. He glanced to his left and saw me.

Princess Victoria: Did she swim to Hogwarts? 'Cause that's a lake.

And ploped down on a rock a couple of feet away from him.

Princess Joy: How romantic...

"Hey yout different then other mermaids I've seen"
"Why"
"Well most of them swim away when they see me but not you." He reached out and touched my long blonde hair.

Princess Victoria: Because most of them are dog-faced!

"I havent always been a mermaid and once I went to school with you. You hated me so much SIENCE THE FIRST MOMENT YOU SET YOUR EYES ON ME.

Princess Joy: Why is she shouting at Draco like that?
Princess Victoria: WHY ARE YOU YELLING????

i stood up, got out my wand and tapped it three times on my hand. Suddenly I was Hermione Ganger again.

Princess Victoria: But mermaid's can't stand.
Princess Joy: Who's Hermione Ganger?

"Just cause you are a good kisser I ain't gonna forgive ya for all thoes years of meaniusm."

Princess Joy: I feel like I'm a trailer park or something all of a sudden.
Princess Victoria: a) are you ghetto? b) meaniusms? *face palm*

I took out my poket manual to witchcraft.

Princess Joy: Where exactly did she pull that from, her ass? She was still a mermaid!
Princess Victoria: I have no words to that.

"Okay here it is, Do you have strange resons to go out at night and look at the moon. Or feel a tugging towards the woods?"
"Yes"
"Do you find yourself seeking for something more?"
"Uh huh"
"Dude one last question. this is a really important one so answer it truthfully."
"Okay"
"When you look in the water whose face do you see beside you even though youre the only one there?"
"Yours"
"Then thats easy to explain."
"It is"
"Yes, we are soul mates."

Princess Joy: W.T.F?? (Sorry about such a long quote, but what??)
Princess Victoria: It sounded like they were tying to determine if they had the same disease or something

"Would you like to come with me to meet my perents?
"Sure. As long as you introduce me as your boyfriend"

Princess Joy: As if he just gave her an ultimatum.

"Wow we both mouthed unabel to get anything else out. The castel was huge and made out of gold and silver, rubies and dimonds, emralds and every other prisious stone immiginabel.

Princess Victoria: And then Draco DIED because he can't breathe underwater.

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 103

Chapter three: My family

Princess Victoria: Worst. Guards. Ever.

I quickly touched Dracos head with one of my hands then said "You can speak mermish and understand it."

Princess Joy: So now Draco can speak and understand mermish, but he still can't breathe.

"Who are you?" The king asked me.
"I am Esmerelda. I'm your daughter." Thw queen swam up to me and wrapped me in a hug.

Princess Joy: That was too easy.

"You talk to her father for a while whiel Esmerelda and I catch up."
"Kay."
My mother grabbed my hand and took me into another room.

Princess Victoria: That was a bad ending to a chapter. You expect more and it just kind of ends there. Why would you leave your boyfriend with your dad? Your dad that you just met?
And, why isn't Draco dead yet?

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 124

WARNING! Illiteracy ahead!

2005-08-29T18:47:24Z

Evans and Black

Summary:Sirus and Lily hate each other. when they secrelty fall in love.
This story is not yet completed.

Princess Joy: I'm sorry, but how exactly does that happen in reality? You can't hate each other and be in love. It's one or the other people!

We give this a:

**Regrettably, this story has since been taken offline. However, our review has quite of a bit of the story quoted, so please continue reading and enjoy!**

Chapter One: Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff

Princess Victoria: Qudditch - the popular variation of Quidditch

“How are you this morning Lily and Natalie” said James sarcastically
. “Just fine you” “Great I don’t have any potions today” said Sirus.

Princess Victoria: Hahaha! Ramdom period.

Dumbledore made a speech, ‘every one may I have your attention please, because of business through the school the qudditch has been moved to this Saturday. “Said Dumbledore in his usual quite voice, instantly there was chatter around the room about there was no practice or what about the banners and who is going to play. - as to not interfere with Quidditch,
" “Because of this later information you may all have the night off home work. For I know how much qudditch means to you all.”"

Princess Joy: Let's not learn!

Princess Joy: Haha, Qudditch!

That night every one was celebrating that they won (except the prefects).

Princess Victoria: Well, duh! Prefects are losers and robots who don't have fun.

Well I think she is a pane in the ass.”

Princess Joy: Like that window?

Total Number of Spelling and Grammar Mistakes: 17
Total Number of Times They Talk About Qudditch: 6
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 15

Chapter Two: Danger Under Water

"The present that Natalie got her was an invisibility cloak!"

Princess Joy: Okkkaayy, does everyone have one now?

"Lily swam down to the cave, but before she could reach it the merpeople looked at her and started to play with her. They took her to their home and did her hair. They played with her and put jewelry all over her like she was their doll. After they made Lily look like a model, told them she had to go and swam off."

Princess Victoria: But...but! The merepeople are UGLY! So why would they make her pretty, wouldn't they make her pretty by their standards, which is hideous?

As soon as Lily had finished explaining what happened, James dived in the water and looked around for Natalie.
There she was struggling to get out of the squid. Sirus grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the giant squids reach. When Natalie and Sirus came up out of the water there was a hand there for each person to grab on to.

Princess Joy: But, what happened to James? *sniffle*

"The candles weren’t lit. So Sirus tried lighting them with his wand. But instead of lighting the candles he put the cake on FIRE!"

Princess Victoria: No way!!! FIRE!!!!! *ph34r*

"Natalie came up running after her. “Are u ok” "

Princess Joy: GAH! Netspeak!!

"I just want to say sorry for ruing the cake"

Princess Victoria: Yeah, you better be, I hate it when people ruing my things.
Fie!

"So tell me what u think of this story and I will be grate full."

Princess Joy: Hahaha!!

Total Number of Spelling and Grammar Mistakes: 41
Total Number of Times They Talk About Qudditch: 7
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 35

Chapter Three: Detention With Snape

"Lily took a piece of buttered toast and looked at her timetable. Her first class was transfiguration."

Princess Joy: Dude, it's April, you should know your classes by now.

Lily loved potions, it was her favorite class .She finally find it, it was on Wednesdays. Lily sighed.

Princess Victoria: *dies from teh funny*

"It was an envelope with purple in spelling out her name on it."

Princess Joy: Ink? Is that the missing word?

"You are like my light when it rains. You brighten up my day when I am said."

Princess Victoria: When I am said, my friends help me out.

"You’re a green lily in a lake of dead lilies."

Princess Joy: NICE! That's so romantic!

"I mean who would like someone as ugly as me?"

Princess Joy: Awww, muffin!

When she soar what was inside the box she gasped.

Princess Joy: Wha??

"‘So’ said James trying to make a conversation, watching Sirus star at Lily. ‘What is up with you what the 411 what’s the hot jams? ”, said James trying making Sirus laugh, but it didn’t seem to work.
"

Princess Victoria: *dies more*

"After dinner Lily went to the common room, got changed and hoped in to bed.

Princess Victoria: She must be really good at Apparation... even though she's not old enough.

"You 2 detentions" said Professor Agruny in a very cross mad angry voice.

Princess Joy: You only need to pick one.

Total Number of Spelling and Grammar Mistakes: 69
Total Number of Times They Talk About Qudditch: 7
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 60

Chapter Four: The Perfect Dress

‘How do you like that one dear?’ Madam Archon asked her.
‘Well yes I do like it’
‘So you’ll bye it?’ Madam Archon asked Lily
‘No’
‘I thought you like it’

Princess Victoria: So the salesperson is trying to guilt her. Nice.

It was silk and a light blue with a matching shall.

Princess Victoria: What's a shall?

That night Lily thought about the ball and who she should have gone with.

Princess Joy: But she hasn't gone yet!

Total Number of Spelling and Grammar Mistakes: 88
Total Number of Times They Talk About Qudditch: 7
Total Number of Times I Felt My Brain Explode While Reading This Story: 76

new community

2005-08-29T04:49:57Z

A fascinating new Mary-Sue community has graced us with it's presence. It's still in the beginning stages, but it's defiantely worth a look-see.
Prius Ennui - Mary Sue community

And there's the always entertaining Pottersues. A new update daily!
Pottersues

Princess Victoria and I should be presenting you with a new Mary-Sue story shortly. And we try our best to regal you with our comments on stories that Pottersues has not done, which is twice the fun! See you all back here soon!

Princess Joy

Is it Cara or Kara?

2004-12-31T23:31:35Z

Link: Together at Last

Summary:When Harry was born, he had a twin sister, but when the Potter's house was burned down, she was taken to Italy. Now, in Harry's Sixth year at Hogwarts, he will find his sister, and acomplish things he never thougt possible--until now! Please R&R! AU

Princess Victoria: I know it says AU, and, we'll take that into consideration, but it doesn't make up for the fact that it's a bad fic.

We give this a:

Chapter 1

Princess Victoria: It starts off with Voldemort's arrival at Gordic's Hallow, with some bad dramatic writing. During the battle, this occurs:

"'Stupefy!' James hurtled a curse at Voldemort, angry for calling his wife a foul name."

Ok, let me get this straight. Voldemort is coming to kill you and your family, and the only reason you hex him is because he is called your wife a foul name? Riiiight... OH! And the first curse you use is 'Stupefy'? WTF?!
Kara/Cara's name is spelt with a "K" in this scene.

Princess Joy: In the scene where Lily dies, Kara is spelt with a "C" but then switches back again.

Princess Joy: It sounds to me like there's three children, not two.

Princess Victoria: Hagrid seems to not really care about the events that unfolded at all.

Princess Joy: So, Sirius finds Kara, and says this, "Italy! We can send her to Italy!". W. T. F.?

Princess Victoria: I guess the author knew we would have that reaction, so she summed up Sirius' reasoning: Sirius had had a girlfriend in Hogwarts (The wizarding school in England) from Italy, and she had been an exchange student from Italy, and she had told him about her old school like Hogwarts, called Weatherwoods. It was also a magical school, and Sirius was now intent on getting Kara there.

Right. Girlfriend. That's it. *taps nose*

Princess Victoria:Then the author sticks in about 50 "A/N's" and bits of information in "()". *spork*

(A/N: Okay, at Weatherwoods, you CAN apparate on to the grounds, they just have higher security at the school, kay?)

Princess Joy: Apparently, we've been told.

Princess Victoria: "Kara Evans" is her name. Yup, not Kara Potter, I wonder how James felt?

Princess Joy: I would like to slap some sense into this author. I mean, if she's read the books even once, she'd know comments like the following wouldn't be needed: “Okay, let me get this. That babies name is Kara Evans. Her parents were just murdered by You-Know-Who. (A/N: Voldemort was so big that everyone knew about him in the wizarding world.) And you want her to stay here, in hopes that she will be more safe?” The Headmaster questioned.

"“Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! If you need anything, just ask me, and I’ll help!” Sirius exclaimed happily."

Princess Victoria: So, Sirius sounds like a fangirl.

Total Number of Kara's: 11
Total Number of Cara's: 2
Total Number of Pointless Author's Notes: 8

Chapter 2

So, now Harry could walk around, ordering his Uncle about.

Princess Victoria:I doubt that very much. Even if they were threatened, Vernon would be ordered.
And thanks for that review of OotP. It's not like anyone forgot what happened to Sirius. *tries to wash salt out of wound*

So now, Sirius was dead, and he couldn’t enjoy his summer, like he had hoped to.

Princess Joy: Damn you Sirius! Why did you have to die?! You ruined everything! *shakes fist*

Harry ... walked over to his window, yanking open the black curtains he had Vernon place there.

Princess Victoria: Black curtains? So, Harry is all angsty now.

“You said it Kara!” A blonde haired girl laughed to her friend, Kara Evans.

Princess Joy: Yeah, I figured she was talking to Kara Evans when she said "Kara"

So, the two best friends marched over to the doorway and rang the very proper doorbell, which had obviously not been the original one.

Princess Joy: Well, there's a trip to the Department of Backstory that didn't need to go on.

“Evans?” Harry asked, completely curious, and you would be two if you had seen a person that looks almost exactly like you, and has the exact same shade of eye color, that is very rare. And don’t forget the fact that they have your mother’s maiden name! You would be curious, as I said.

Princess Victoria: Would I? Would I? How do you know???!!! *spork*

Princess Victoria: There he goes rubbing Sirius' death in everyone's face again. Fuck Harry, we all miss him.

Princess Joy: So Kara and Sara *vomit* live in a "really big!" place. It must be big because it was mentioned a bunch of times.

“Sweetness!” Harry was so happy and was thinking his summers here might just get a little better.

Princess Joy: You'd think Harry has no friends.

The girls gasped. “I have a scar exactly like that one, but I thought it was just from a wicked fall! And are you really Harry Potter? The boy- who-lived?” Kara blinked.

Princess Victoria: Ok, so in the recored books that Kara's OC friend has, it shows that Kara does have a twin, now, if she is an orphan, why didn't she look in that book before?!

And that was the first time in months that Harry felt truly happy.

Princess Victoria: Wouldn't Harry be more hurt and confused that they
kept him from the knowledge that he even had a sister? Would't a lot of people have lots of explaining to do?

Total Number of Kara's: 45
Total Number of Cara's: 2
Total Number of Pointless Author's Notes: 8

Princess Joy and Princess Victoria: So, basically, this story could be good, even excellent. But, well, the writing could use some work. I'm sure if the author had taken the time to find a beta and have her 'chappies' beta'd, it would be much more readable. But she didn't, so at times it was hard to keep track of what was going on. Hopefully she'll think twice before posting unedited fics again.

Hey! We have an extra 30 seconds! Let's have sex!

2004-06-21T05:39:09Z

Conflicts Forgotten

Summary: Hermione is determined to make her last year the best of her life... But why does the Head Boy seem determined to thwart that? (DM&HG)
A note to readers: the author of this particular story has decided to remove it from the WWW. Sadly, you no longer have a stroy to compare our comments to. But you may still enjoy the comments.

Princess Joy: When I read the summary, I thought Hermione was dying. Sadly, she is not. Her "last year" is really her last year at Hogwarts. Also, refer back to our first entry for the Icon Key!

We give this a:

**Regrettably, this story has since been taken offline. However, our review has quite of a bit of the story quoted, so please continue reading and enjoy!**

Chapter 1: Default Chapter

It was their last year at Hogwarts and Hermione for once, hadn't been working all summer. She tossed her hair over her shoulders as she walked towards the barrier that would bring he to Platform 9 ¾ . She knew she looked different, good for once. She'd finally found a spell that she only had to cast once a week which stopped her hair frizzing and allowed it to drop down her back in long, loose, brown curls. She'd finally discovered make-up, even though she really didn't need to use it but with eyeliner, her chocolate brown eyes looked bigger and more almond-shaped than ever. She'd started going to dance classes and the gym, swimming in the pool at home. The result of this was that she'd lost a little weight but toned up immensely, making her curvy. She smiled as she thought of her holiday in Spain, where she'd gotten her tan.

Princess Victoria: Ok, I know that was a huge quote, BUT I had to post it. Let's start with all the OOC things Hermione has done... Not worked over the summer, fixed her hair, make-up, dance classes, gym, and swiming in the pool at home. The result was a loss of the weight she had, got a tan.
Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with her excercising, etc. BUT who says she hasn't done that before 7th year? The way the author described her made her sound like some pastey, mousey fat girl who deserved to have a paper bag over her head only it wouldn't fit around her frizzy hair. Now, maybe I take this personally, because my hair is naturally frizzy, but, Hermione has already said, in Goblet of Fire, that she won't calm her hair down because it takes too long. So, maybe the author and all the other authors that want to fix her hair should realize that that's the way she wants to keep it.

"Hey guys!" she said as she spotted Ron and Harry. They looked much the same, both of them muscled from playing Quidditch for so many years. Harry's hair was scruffier but it suited him and Ron's hair was longer, hiding one eye from her view and making her heart race. They both looked at her in shock as they saw a beautiful girl with long brown hair and brown eyes walk towards them, in a pink tank top and a denim mini-skirt, showing off long brown legs and finally some pink high-heeled stilettos.

Princess Joy: Let me introduce you to Barbie!Hermione, and her best friends Ken!Harry and Ken!Ron.

"You don't have to protect me guys, I'm sure no-one will notice." she said as she gave her trunk to the porter, climbing onto the train. Harry and Ron looked at each other and nodded.

Princess Victoria: Yeah, I'm sure no one will notice that you look completely different.

She didn't know who the Head Boy was but as it wasn't Ron or Harry, she'd have to assume it was someone in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.

Princess Joy: Right, because a Slytherin would never be Head Boy. *cough*Tom Riddle*cough*

Princess Joy: We also get introduced to Ken!Draco. He insults Hermione but thinks she's hot... Right. No. If you HATE someone, you will think they are ugly no matter what, ALWAYS.

Princess Victoria: So then, she's sexually assulted by Draco... he kissed her. You know it's Draco because right before, the author wrote "Grinning, he followed her and waited until she came out of the toilet." Way to give it away! *thumbs up*

She'd lost Crookshanks over the summer, he simply hadn't come home. Not dwelling on it too much, she picked up her handbag and looked at her trunk.

Princess Joy: Nice. That's nice.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 1

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 0

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 0

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 1

Chapter 2: Breakfast and Potions

It was decorated in her favourite colours, purple and silver, the house colours only showing with the huge Gryffindor banner draped above her vanity table.

Princess Victoria: Why is her favorite colour ALWAYS purple.

She took the door to the right and saw a small gym. Hermione smiled, Dumbledore must have guessed that she liked dancing and working out.

Princess Victoria: It's good to see that someone noticed... 'Cause no one else knew.

She knocked on Draco's door and waited for him to answer. He did and she walked in, noticing how his favourite colours must be silver and green as his bedroom was that colour.

Princess Joy: I thought she couldn't enter his room unless he trusted her. Wow, they must move fast then.

"Huge! The house colours are just nowhere to be seen, and my room is decorated all in purple, my favourite colour!" she said as Ginny laughed.

Princess Victoria: She doesn't sound like she likes being a Gryffindor... "Yes! No house colours! Woot!"

"Come on, let's just try this stuff." he said as he poured it into two beakers. "Sir, ours is ready. Who do you want to take it first?" he asked as Snape shrugged. "You first then Hermione." he said as she swallowed the potion, feeling rather light-headed.

Princess Joy: Um, Snape never shrugs. And they never test the potions themselves. But, hey, it advances the plot, so let's throw common sense out the window.

"Are you a mudblood?" he asked next, knowing the answer would be a yes. Which is why he was surprised by her answer.

"No I'm not. I was adopted by my mother and father, I was told by them that both my parents were wizards but they wanted to hide me before they died at the hands of Lord Voldemort." she said as Draco's eyes widened.

Princess Victoria: Oooo, a mysterious birth... How suey! And off to live with a muggle family? That's like Harry?! Woah! *sarcasm*

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 1

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 5

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 0

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 3

Chapter 3: Family Relations

Princess Victoria: I love Whore!Ron

"Not really." he said and she smiled slightly as he rolled his eyes and got back to work. Hermione stood up at the end of class and went to leave. Ron looked at her in her in her black t-shirt which fit snugly and showed off her toned stomach. She was wearing some low-slung tight fitting jeans and some high-heeled pointed toe stiletto shoes but she walked straight past him.

Princess Joy: 50 points from Gryffindor for Miss Granger not wearing her robes...

"But I would rather have Malfoy kiss me than HIM!" she said, slapping Ron.

Princess Joy: Didn't see that one coming at all. Nope, it wasn't written clearly all over the story at all.

Hermione had changed into a strappy top and hotpants but with her huge white robe on over the top. Malfoy was just wearing some boxers, but he was covered up by his robe.

Princess Joy: I think "robe" means bathrobe.

Princess Victoria: I like how Hermione is getting used to her uniform at her future job at Hooters.

"Nope, I was the daughter of Sirius, who was estranged from the family before I met. He met some witch and had an illegitimate child. She gave me to him at birth, fearful for her safety and he gave me to an adoption agency, knowing how much trouble I'd be in."

Princess Victoria: *sporks eyes*

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 3

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 6

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 3

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 6

Chapter 4: No Mudblood

She worried what would happen when Harry and Ron found out until she realised that she didn't much care about what they thought.

Princess Joy: I can see how much she loves her BEST FRIENDS.

"Told you you'd trust me." he said as she walked over to her wardrobe with her towel wrapped around her, picking out some clothes. Pulling on the white denim skirt and aqua t-shirt with a slash down the front, she pulled out some black knee-length boots, closing her robes over them. Draco looked at her and grinned as she put some black eyeshadow on and some aqua earrings.

Princess Joy: Prostitute!Hermione at your service!

He kissed her lightly and walked back through to his bedroom, dressing immediately in a pair of black jeans and a dark grey shirt. Hermione met him in the common room and after approving his outfit but telling him that she liked him better in a towel (A/N: As we would ALL like!) they set off down to breakfast.

Princess Victoria: So after 2 days, they are making out. And the author's note just shows that this is really a fantsay fic, and nothing more.

Princess Victoria: Do they ever go to class?

They reached the fourth floor and went along to the Unicorn Maiden, asking if she could tell Hermione they were in. The picture turned around so that she could look inside and suddenly she swung open, letting Harry, Ron and Ginny in.

Princess Joy: That would never happen in the REAL Hogwarts, but in fanfic land, everything that is canon will be no more! *rolls eyes*

Ginny had picked up Hogwarts: A History and was reading it peacefully whilst Harry sat on the edge of the chair and Ron stood, his face red with anger.

Princess Victoria: What a Luna moment, Ginny!

"No, we're not cousins technically as Sirius was estranged so he technically had no place in the Black family, so no connection to the Malfoys." she said as Harry looked relieved.

Princess Victoria: Um, no. Just because he's estranged does't mean he's genetically different! Malfoy is still related to you. Dink.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 4

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 10

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 8

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 7

Chapter 5: Possessions

Princess Joy: Yay! Drunk!Ron.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" yelled Ron as he went for Malfoy, missing him as he went for one of the three Malfoys he could see and missing Draco by a metre. Draco smirked as Hermione shouted back

"OI! That's my estranged aunt!" shrieked Hermione, forgetting for a second or two who she was.

Princess Victoria: Wha?

Princess Joy: A lovers spat, and then they almost become lovers...*twirls fingers*

"I'm so happy..." she thought suddenly, surprising herself with that thought. Hermione Granger had never been happy, too busy working to find a boyfriend and her only real friends being Harry, Ron, Neville and Ginny. Now, she was sitting on Draco Malfoy's lap with their tongues caressing each others.

Princess Joy: Right, because changing your last name from Granger to Black can make you a whole new person. And I hope she realizes she is still kissing her cousin.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 5

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 10

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 10

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 12

Chapter 6: Serpent or Lioness?

Princess Victoria: After some OOC!Hermioneness regarding getting up and getting ready for school...
the following happens,

She was wearing a black miniskirt, silver strappy top and long black boots, up to her knee. She twirled in front of him and Draco gasped as he saw that she'd charmed her eyes to twinkle silver like his.

Princess Joy: Slut!Hermione as well as super-duper Mary-Sue with the changing colour eyes! Yay!

"I saved you though Hermione, so no problems. If there's any at breakfast, just call me over." he said as Hermione grinned. "You could always switch to Slytherin, especially since you're a Black now." he said, nuzzling her neck as he held onto her. She looked up at him, small smile on her face.

Princess Victoria: Um, the hat put her in Gryffindor for a reason...

"I need time to figure out what the hell is going on, okay baby?"

Princess Joy: Baby? Oh geez...

She wrenched her arm away from him and her robes fell open slightly, all of the Slytherins seeing what she was wearing and looking at Malfoy, surprised.

Princess Joy: *gasp!* She does wear robes!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 7

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 14

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 15

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 16

Chapter 7: Dumbledore

"So... Malfoy and Parkinson... They're all evil?" she asked, confused as to what the Headmaster was telling her in cryptic clues.

Princess Joy: I wanted to slap myself for reading that.

"He doesn't want to let the Hermione he knew out so she can become this new, sparkly Hermione." he said finally after a long while.

Princess Victoria: Sparkly?

"Oh and you're wearing your Slytherin Princess outfit, how fitting." he said with a grin as he hugged her.

Princess Joy wants to spork Draco many times for that stupid comment.

"Yes. Dumbledore told me earlier to look after you for the next three days and not let you out of my sight so there's the reason." he snapped as Hermione grinned.

Princess Victoria: What happens on day 4?

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 7

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 14

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 34

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 21

Chapter 8: Acting Before Thinking

Princess Victoria: They sleep together, Ron acts like a prat.

"Ginny Weasley had changed a lot in the years she'd been at Hogwarts... Now a sixth year student, she was tall and slim, with long legs. Her pale skin suited her red hair perfectly, the hair which fell down her back in loose waves, not needing any assistance by potions or muggle methods. She had bright blue eyes, which sparkled when she was happy and she was very pretty, in an unobvious way. She sat down on the couch, smiling up at Hermione.

Princess Victoria:A Ginny!Sue. Yay!

Hermione smiled back and flicking her wand, changed into a pair of loose-fitting trousers and a t-shirt, not bothering with a posh outfit.

Princess Joy: Well that's a first, I think!

Princess Victoria: She just can't leave her hair alone!

"Blaise, not bloody here." she snapped, pulling her leg away from him.
"Fine, but I'll have you Hermione, trust me I will." he said as Hermione glared.

Princess Joy: Why is it that every story with Hermione and Blaise, Blaise is possessive of her, even before he 'has' her?

Princess Joy: They sleep together...whoa!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 8

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 14

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 42

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 24

Chapter 9: Unpleasant Morning

Princess Joy: I don't like Ron in this story. He seems too stalkerish for me.

"I guess it's 'cos I love him..." she said, surprising Albus and Draco.

Princess Joy rolls her eyes.

Princess Joy: And after a near rape, she is suddenly super excited to be kissing the Draco Malfoy.

Princess Victoria: People really like sneering....

"I thought we were being scandalous Draco." she said with a wink as Draco grinned at her. Leaning back, he let Hermione climb onto his lap and kiss him, kissing her back and running his fingers through her long, silky tresses.

Princess Joy: Right, because at Hogwarts, that is the norm.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 9

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 15

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 42

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 27

Chapter 10: Back on Track

Princess Victoria: Ooooo, a ball, I wonder what Hermione is going to dress like? Are tall black boots involved? Probably!

Princess Joy: What the hell kind of ball is planned they way they planned theirs?

"I already spoke to Dumbledore about that. He thinks Ron has learnt his lesson and for one day a week he'll keep the charm off, starting today." he said as Hermione gasped with happiness.

Princess Joy: How convient...

Princess Victoria: So, Hermione is slacking off at school...

"Yes. She trusts you too but she didn't want you to know, wants to surprise you." he said as Draco nodded.

Princess Joy: But of course. How else would the plot move along if she didn't trust Blaise?

He picked her up and prising the quill out of her hand, he took her into his bedroom, kissing her on the head. He pulled back the covers and pulling off her top, trousers, shoes, bra and thong.

Princess Victoria: Because she has to sleep in the nude, right?

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 11

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 18

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 44

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 30

Chapter 11: Hogsmede

Princess Joy: Wake up! You're late! But not too late to have sex...again

Princess Victoria: If I see the "hair dying spell" one more time, I'll...

Princess Victoria: It's intresting to see how she is sooooo close with Blaise and Draco and is not friends with Harry, Ginny or Ron anymore.

Princess Victoria: Bitch-fight! How melodramatic!

Princess Joy: Why is it she acts like this towards the death of her father after she finds out he was her father. She wouldn't have acted like that if she never found out.

Princess Victoria: More OOCness insues! Drunk!Hermione!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 12

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 20

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 46

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 34

Chapter 12: Breakfast

"You can go get your money from Gringott's and we can have some time away from Saint Potter and the Weasel."

Princess Victoria: Not like you were with them anyways...

Princess Joy: More sex...you'd think she be knocked up by now.

Princess Victoria: I want some Hogwarts House undies like Hermione has...

"there was no time for foreplay"

Princess Victoria: I don't know about you, but there never seems to be any in this story.

Princess Joy: Mya, that's a new nickname!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 12

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 21

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 56

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 35

Chapter 13: Welcome to the Family

They approached a huge house set in lush gardens, bright green grass punctuated by flowers, mainly red roses, which seemed to jump out and make the garden look wilder, more normal.

Princess Joy: So the gardens look wilder and more normal...huh?

Princess Joy: Is her tongue permanently sticking out of her mouth?

"I'm here to check out the dark stuff, remove it etcetera." Tonks said, proudly.

Princess Victoria: Stuff? etcetera? Woah, don't take your job too seriously.

"I'm here in case anything nasty happens, DADA could be needed and also it's pretty useful to have a werewolf on your side." he said with a rueful smile as Hermione smiled.

Princess Victoria:'Cause you know, at the drop of a hat Lupin can turn into a werewolf, if duty calls...

""I'm here for charm work, make it look a bit nicer." said a woman, smiling at her. She had long strawberry blonde hair and vividly green eyes "They remind me of Harry's..." thought Hermione, smiling back at the woman. "My name is Naomi Scelera." she said as Hermione nodded.

Princess Joy: Methinks that's foreshadowing...

"To the attic then." she said happily, bounding up the stairs in front of them. It was an imposing staircase (think Gone with the Wind) and it had red carpeting on the dark wooden boards.

Princess Victoria: I am thinking, and all I can come up with is "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Princess Victoria: Do they ever stop flirting?

Princess Joy: And of course she just had to go into the Pensive...

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 12

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 21

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 59

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 37

Chapter 14: Pensieves

Princess Victoria: The whole Pensive thing was messed up. Wanna know why? Because Dumbledore DID NOT know before James and Lily died that Sirius was NOT the secret keeper. If he did know, Sirius wouldn't have gone to Azkaban! Do people not read? Seriously.

"There's Death Eaters coming, one of them being your second aunt who killed your father and you're kissing Draco Malfoy in a bloody closet." she thought as she pulled away from Draco.

Princess Joy: Just because you're in a closet alone with your boyfriend doesn't mean you have to make out with him.

Princess Joy: Oooo Lucius is back, duh duh DUH!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 12

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 23

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 63

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 41

Chapter 15: Blood Runs Deep

"Now will you please shut up, we have to wait for the Dark Lord to get here."

Princess Joy: Hmmm, I think there's more trouble on the way.

Princess Joy: I was wondering when the author was going to actually use one of the Unforgivables.

Princess Victoria: Oh no! Indirect Imperius, sounds horrible! It's going to be a challenge.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 12

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 23

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 70

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 44

Chapter 16: Presents

"I'll KILL my father." he said through gritted teeth as Hermione held his hand and looked at him with her large, amber eyes.
"Draco, ignore him. He's a rotten bastard." she said, surprising Draco with her choice of words.
"I can't, Hermione, he HURT you!" he cried out as she shook her head.

Princess Victoria: So, nevermind all the other stuff Lucius has ever done, that can still earn love from Draco, but because he used Crucio on "Mya" Draco is going to kill him. I see...

"Fine, it's a two-way mirror. Harry had one with Sirius, it was Sirius's." she said, "I want to buy a new one, give that to Harry and have Sirius's." she said as Draco nodded.

"I have a pair of them if you want them." he said as she looked at him sceptically.

"Aren't they supposed to be really rare?"

"Malfoy." he said, smirking as Hermione sighed in irritation and lay back on the bed.

Princess Joy: So of course Draco has to have a pair. Duh, we were told they're rare.

"Scar?"

"Yeah, it's been playing up since Hermione got back." he explained to the two boys, Draco staring at him triumphantly.

"I wonder if that thing can indicate when Hermione's under Imperius or not?"

Princess Victoria: I wonder if this could possibly be more foreshadowing?

...he had a sulking Ron to ditch on somebody...

Princess Joy: I can definately see the close friendship here.

Princess Joy: Earlier in the chapter we find out that even with the slightest squeeze of her hand, she winces in terrible pain. But at the end of the chapter, approximately an hour later, Hermione and Draco are having a pillow fight and rolling around on the bed. Interesting...

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 13

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 23

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 71

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 51

Chapter 17: Removing the Curse

Again, she could hear the drumming in her head, the warning sign she had come to expect.

Princess Joy: After being under the curse once, she automatically knows the signs that it's coming again. Sure, alright.

"Now. There's my lab over in the corner, you can do it of course."

Princess Joy: Oooo, a new addition to Dumbledore's office!

Princess Victoria: So, I guess the curse wasn't so hard to remove afterall...

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 13

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 24

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 71

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 51

Chapter 18: Back to Normal

"I think you'd be the first to ever render Severus Snape speechless." he said as Hermione nodded.

Princess Joy: Well, she is Hermione-Sue...

"I also don't want you in the Gryffindor tower unless you need to be." he said as Hermione nodded quickly.

Princess Victoria: When is she ever in Gryffindor Tower?

Princess Victoria: The whole big, flat screen TV thing is garbage. Just accept the fact that muggle things don't work there. It's not like they ever do anything together but flirt and have sex anyways.

Princess Joy: Oh goody, more sex!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 14

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 26

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 73

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 54

Chapter 19: Happy Christmas

In case you didn't bloody realise Mya, it's Christmas Day." he said as Hermione grinned and shot out of bed...

Princess Joy: Wasn't it Halloween just last week?

Princess Victoria: Ron still likes Hermione, duh. I wonder if anyone else loves her? I think so!

"I'll make you some. I'll be two minutes." she promised as she ran back into her room, bringing some chocolate back and a bowl. Performing a magical charm, chocolate mousse appeared in the bowl as Harry grinned.

Princess Joy: I wish I could cook like that.

Princess Victoria: I have no idea where Hermione got the idea that she had to have had a twin...

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 16

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 27

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 74

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 58

Chapter 20: More Revelations

Draco's father was very skilled at Leglimens and Draco often had to block his mind to stop his father's probing, these were just more memories he'd have to block, which angered him as it was hard work.

Princess Joy: I smell more foreshadowing.

Princess Victoria: Blaise starts acting like a protective brother, which is weird because he use to hit on her.

"I was asking you if you were tired."

"No, I'm not why."

"Because if you hadn't noticed, Blaise has gone now."

"Oh... In that case, your room or mine?"

Princess Joy: This is getting annoying.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 17

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 27

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 78

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 59

Chapter 21: Isis

"Draco, get up you lazy sod!"

Princess Joy: It's Draco's turn to be annoying first thing in the morning.

Princess Victoria: He called his girlfriend a cow... nice.

Hermione digested this information, nodded and promptly fainted.

Princess Joy: I'm not even touching that one.

Princess Victoria: Isis has metallic eyes, she must be a robot.

"I see you got both brains and Blaise got neither." she said as Blaise scowled at his mother.

Princess Joy: I love you too Mommy!

"I wasn't going to let me daughter grow up and become one of Voldemort's whores." she said matter-of-factly as Hermione's eyes widened.

Princess Victoria: So, she's a Malfoy whore instead?

"At least Blaise has always known who his mum is. I mean, I learnt all of this four months ago."

Princess Victoria: I thought she learnt this 3 years ago, after Sirius died.

"At least Blaise has always known who his mum is. I mean, I learnt all of this four months ago. My father's dead, my mother's married to a Deatheater... No offence of course. It's just like the Fates decided to give me the weirdest family background ever. At least it hasn't affected my studies."

Princess Joy: Right, because you've been to class how many times this school year?

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 17

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 27

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 78

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 65

Chapter 22: Opulente

...he drawled sarcastically as the group of four walked down the quiet alleyway, snow swirling in the air.

Princess Joy: He who? For people who randomly begin this story at chapter 22, this could be confusing. We really have no idea who's talking unless we read the pervious chapter.

Princess Victoria: The honeymoon suite? Oh barf. She should really be expecting by now. I think they might be nymphos...

He had decided a few weeks ago, that no matter how many times he saw Hermione naked, it simply wouldn't be enough to slake his lust for her.

Princess Victoria: Right, because that's an easy decision to make.

Princess Joy: Hermione then goes on to insult her brother by referring to him as a goldfish and spawn... nice relationship they've got going. I can't wait to see what happens when they can actually act like siblings.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 18

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 30

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 79

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 67

Chapter 23: Muggle London

Princess Victoria: This chapter made my eyes glaze over...

Princess Victoria: I would like to point out how she was buying a basket for Crookshanks, however, it is stated in Chapter 1 that he DIED.

"I always wanted to be Barbie, she was so perfect."

Princess Joy: But Hermione, you are Barbie!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 18

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 30

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 79

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 69

Chapter 24: Back to Hogwarts

Princess Joy: So, she called Ron a Weasel, so OOC. The author should have made a different character altogether.

Ron sat down, nothing was going to go his way.

Princess Victoria: I think the author hates Ron.

He looked at her sleeping for a while before he dropped off to sleep himself, holding her close to protect her from everything, as he desperately wanted to do. .

Princess Joy: *Sniffle*

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 19

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 32

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 82

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 73

Chapter 25: A Ball

Princess Victoria: *more glaze*

Princess Joy: This chapter was one of the better chapters of the story, sadly.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 36

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 88

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 74

Chapter 26: Polyjuice Potion

Princess Victoria: Moron!Ron makes an appearence, great... This is starting to get old.

Princess Joy: Of course, the Polyjuice Potion must used, now that it's been mentioned in canon twice!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 36

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 92

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 75

Chapter 27: Malfoy Manor

Princess Victoria: Her eyes change colour. Sue!

"Lucius howled in rage and pushed Draco up against the wall as Hermione shrieked in shock and tried to pull Lucius off Draco, pulling his long, blonde hair and making him yelp slightly. Draco looked his father in the face, smiled a true smile and brought his knee up to knee Lucius in the groin, Lucius falling backwards with the pain and landing on top of Hermione who struggled to get from underneath him."

Princess Victoria: This made me laugh super-hard. It's like a bitch fight, only between father and son. So manly this fight is.

Princess Victoria: So, is true love over? Hermione seems to be quick at rejecting Draco when it's clear he is getting the Mark to save her... He better be careful. She may have sex with the entire Slytherin male population including Snape and the Bloddy Baron by then.

Princess Joy: I like how Blaise flew off the handle at Dumbledore because Hermione was missing. I never knew he cared...

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 37

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 94

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 80

Chapter 28: The Mirrors

Princess Joy: Aw, a cozy get together over the magic mirrors.

"An attack at the castle?!" Ron asked nervously, going pale underneath his freckles and all the apparent colour going out of his hair, even that looking paler than normal."

Princess Victoria: Hair doesn't pale.

"I wish Sirius was here, he'd know wha- Oh sorry 'Mione, Blaise." said Harry, mumbling and kicking himself over his mistake. The effect was instantaneous, Blaise and Hermione's eyes saddened and they looked at each other, as though haunted. Draco put his arms around Hermione and hugged her briefly, dropping a kiss on the top of her forehead as she tried to control the tears that were threatening to fall from her amber eyes. Blaise looked upset but he didn't say anything, he'd been too well trained in hiding his emotions to show anything except for a brief sadness."

Princess Joy: You know what? Harry's allowed to feel sad too! Sirius was more of a father to Harry then either Blaise or Hermione.

"He [Sirius] told me 'I'm never going to miss the Final Battle Mya. I don't care if everyone thinks I'm dead... I'm not.'" she said, repeating his exact words. "Don't you think that's kinda weird, I mean it was a dream but what if it was something more?"

Draco looked at her and saw how serious she was being. "I... I don't know what to say Mya. If what you're saying comes true, th-that would be a miracle." he stammered finally...

Princess Victoria: I no longer have eyes because of all the *sporking*. I would like to see Sirius come back, but this is just cheesy.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 37

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 94

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 80

Chapter 29: Planning

"I better go tell Ginny that I might be dying sometime as well..."

Princess Joy: Wow, that's cheerful news!

Princess Victoria: I see a Hermione, Mya,'Mione,'Mi/Snape romance blooming.

"Percy hadn't been in on the Order, not wanting to believe Dumbledore still so he couldn't say anything vital. Once they had their information, they killed him with Avada Kedavra, leaving him to be found two weeks later by his fiancée, Penelope Clearwater."

Princess Victoria: Ew.

Princess Joy: The Cupid spell. *snicker*

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 37

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 97

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 80

Chapter 30: Losses

"Hermione sat down on her bed and wondered what was going to happen to them all. Would Ron and Harry be okay? Would Draco live? Would Voldemort win or lose? And Blaise, would her twin brother survive this horror?

Princess Victoria: That's a lot of questions...

"Blaise smirked...in a mock-joking tone...hitting him playfully on the arm"

Princess Joy: All this was happening as Draco is off to a Death Eater meeting. That's really nice.

"So come on, what's the plan Blaise?" she asked, but before he could answer, she continued. "And don't tell me there isn't one, because we both know that Harry and Ron would never let me stay here with Draco Malfoy and dozens of Death eaters and Draco won't let the inevitable happen to me." she said.

Princess Victoria: I would leave you there, you ungrateful tart.

"What the fuck do they think they're playing at?!" Hermione cried out, swearing which was still quite uncommon for her. "Voldemort isn't someone who'll let them play their childish games, he's a bloody killer and he wants to kill Harry!"

Princess Joy: I think Harry knows that Voldemort is a "bloody killer". But, hey, you are the cleverest witch of your age, so nothing gets past you...

It's coming soon 'Mione but please, promise to keep yourself safe and for Merlin's sake, if you get taken by any of these bloody Death eaters, try and find me, not Draco. Draco would die to save you."

Princess Joy: Translation: Sis, I love you... heck, I'm even willing to sleep with you, but I don't love you enough to die for you. Now you have a nice day!

Blaise rolled his eyes. "A few Ministry people, no-one important, a couple of clerks and secretaries that have gone missing. Oh and look after Draco when he gets back."

Princess Victoria: Yeah, it's not like those people have families...

"You can count on it." Blaise told her as he chastely kissed her on the lips before ruffling her hair, making Hermione growl in annoyance. "Merlin, sometimes I really wish you weren't my sister." he said in a mock-serious tone.

Princess Joy: Ew, that's all I have to say. Ew.

Draco shook his head. "While I was here with you, they attacked a muggle's house. Damn it Mya, they killed your adopted parents." he said...

Princess Joy: Damn it! There goes that problem!

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 37

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 98

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 82

Chapter 31: A Blast from the Past

Princess Victoria: Who could be coming from the past, at such a timley junction in the story?

Harry smiled back, he had always suspected that Dumbledore was the one to give him that cloak...

Princess Joy: We knew way back at the end of PS/SS that Dumbledore had given Harry his Invisibility Cloak.

Princess Victoria: So, the boys won't listen to Dumbledore. It's not like he's wise or anything.

"No books 'Mione." Harry said. "I'm off to find Voldemort, I have the Marauder's Map and my Invisibility cloak so I'll be fine." he said.

Princess Victoria: Isn't the Map just for Hogwarts?

"Hermione looked at the map and gasped before looking up at Draco who also looked surprised. On the map, was a figure, whose name was written in the same loopy writing as everyone else's name, that figure being Sirius Black."

Princess Victoria: My eyeses they burnses.

Princess Joy *smacks face on keyboard*

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 22

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 37

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 101

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 82

Chapter 32: Explanations

"I know I am, but Bellatrix killed Crabbe, not me." he said.

Princess Joy: Err...

Princess Victoria: I read that as "Bellatrix has crabs, not me."

"Yeah, I used my mind powers to get into your dream and warn you. Although I really need to speak to Dumbledore about now." he muttered.

Princess Victoria: Mind…powers? Is that what’s it called now? How creative...

Sirius looked saddened. "There's a spell I learnt with James in the sixth year, it's called the Soul Forcer... It takes no incantation, just an incredibly strong mind. When applied properly, it can force the soul out of the body you're training on and make your soul go into it, the other soul going into your body, effectively switching. The body without the soul is an empty vessel and I know Dumbledore knew I could do this spell...

Princess Joy: That sounds like a very complicated math problem to me.

"I'm hoping he kept my body, I sure as hell don't want this one." he said quietly."

Princess Victoria: Why did I get a vision of Crabbe!Sirius going to Dumbledore, asking for his body and then Dumbledore whips it out of the freezer?

...stifling a sob and making it sound stifled.

Princess Joy: Um, what?

She shook her head. "Harry... I know you're not wanting to hear this but you know when you said that Voldemort tried to get into your head... That's what he used. It's dark magic... Very dark magic. I don't like the thought of someone using it... Especially not my father." she said.

Princess Victoria: Look honey, Crabbe is/was evil. Sirius is not. He did that to save his life. Let it go. Would you rather him be dead?

Princess Victoria: So, if Sirius’ body is magically preserved, does that mean he’ll never age?

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 20

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 38

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 102

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 86

Chapter 33: The Final Showdown

"NO!" she yelled, wrenching her hand from his grasp and taking off into the bathroom, quickly transfiguring her clothes to become a pair of jeans, a t-shirt saying 'Don't make me Avada Kedavra your ass!' and a black robe. She walked back out and saw Sirius standing in front of her, looking unhappy. "No! Sirius, you can NOT expect me to stay here and behave!" she said tearfully.

Princess Victoria: Oooo, it’s the start of the war, but, hey, let’s be witty!

"This is hell!" Hermione screeched fifteen minutes later to Sirius as she dodged yet another curse.

Princess Victoria: Well, it is a war, what did you think it was?

"Kill him..." he said in Parseltongue, although he was unable to understand the hisses, he could say simple commands in Parseltongue, enough to get by.

Princess Joy: So he knows Parseltongue, but he doesn't. Right...

...she didn't know who her real mother was.

Princess Joy: Didn't we clear that up a few chapters ago?

Princess Joy: I do believe Dumbledore is cheating in this duel.

Princess Joy: *sniffle* Whatever will happen to poor Draco?

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 21

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 44

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 104

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 88

Chapter 34: The Aftermath

Princess Joy: A touching and teary moment between brother and sister. It's so sweet it's making my teeth hurt.

"I don't want you here for when Snivell-Severus wakes up." he said, cringing as he said it.

Princess Victoria: Why? That was never explained…

"Calm down Hermione, you're acting out of character and it's scaring everyone...

Princess Joy: He hit the nail on the head with that one.

Princess Victoria: Stop calling Snape Snivillus, he never did it that often in the books.

"Sirius looked down at her, surprise registered in his dark eyes as he struggled to speak. "WHAT?!" he thundered out. "YOU ARE NOT MARRYING ANYONE, YOU'RE SEVENTEEN FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!" he yelled at her, forgetting about the current state of Draco.

Princess Victoria: You know, coming from the guy who ran away from home, and had a flying motorcycle and was an all-around badass, this is foreign.

Princess Joy: OMG, she went two weeks without sex! *gasp!*

"Look, INJURED here!" he said, rubbing his arm and glaring at his attacker.

Princess Joy: If you're injured, then why are you out of bed, dumbass? And why are you picking Hermione up? She can walk by herself you know.

Princess Joy: So, Draco wakes up from a two week coma filled with horrid memories from his past only to get out of bed right away and carry Hermione to the Head's common room area so they can have more sex. *spork*

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 21

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 46

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 107

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 90

Chapter 35: Happily Ever After

Princess Joy: I really hate it when authors try to pull off an accent by spelling things the way they'd sound with the accent.

Hermione had already been upset because the Grangers, after much treatment, had finally conceived and they were having their own child...

Princess Joy: Didn't the Grangers die back in like chapter 28 or something like that?

Princess Victoria: Hey! Look! More sex!

Princess Joy: Since when do the parents go with their children to school?

Princess Victoria: Why didn't their child go on the Hogwarts Express with all the other children and Draco and Hermione just Floo? That would have been normal!

Princess Victoria: It seems Sirius has gone AWOL-again.

Total Number of Slutty Outfits: 24

Total Number of Times They Are Slytherin Proud: 52

Total Number of Times the Black Name is Uttered: 112

Total Number of Times the Author Tries to Sound Britsh, Using the Word Bloody: 91

*********************************

Princess Joy and Princess Victoria: This story could have been an excellent read, had the author not made two major mistakes.

The first one being the lack of continuity. She continiously added things to the story that served no purpose whatsoever to the plot (such as the Halloween Ball) or would often write about something happening (such as Crookshanks being dead or Hermione's adoptive parents being killed by Voldemort) and then writing as if it never happened later on.

The second one being how OOC Hermione was. She was nothing at all like the Hermione we read about in the Harry Potter books, except for the fact that this Hermione slightly enjoyed books (towards the end of the story more than anything). We both think the author would have been better off just making an OC character and naming her "whatever" Black, rather than remolding Hermione completely.

Aside from those two major problems, the story wasn't completely horrible, but it is hard to overlook those two problems and enjoy a story. Maybe next time the author should look into getting a beta before posting anything. We'd rather wait a month for an update that is being beta'd than have a half-assed job.

I want pink hair now.....

2004-05-13T05:41:57Z

Mixed Thoughts and Feelings

Summary:
Tziporah Tzana Ruusuu, or Bunneh as she liked to be called, had just transferred into Hogwarts from Mein Magic in Germany. She meets new friends, and falls in love with one of the Marauders...(Past Hogwarts Fic)

Princess Victoria: To explain this fic, one has to look at the author's penname "Bunny Luna". Hey! That sounds like "Bunneh Luna" ooooooooo *barf*

This fic gets a big fat:

**Regrettably, this story has since been taken offline. However, our review has quite of a bit of the story quoted, so please continue reading and enjoy!**

Chapter 1: On Sight

The pink haired girl with blue eyes walked into the new school. Hogwarts, it was called, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She transferred from another witchcraft school in her old hometown of Munich, Germany, and it was called “Mein Magic.” She walked into the Headmaster’s office and sat in the chair in front of him. It was time to register in.

Princess Victoria: Pink hair? Blue eyes? Exchange student? I smell A Sue!

Princess Victoria: "Mein Magic"? Doesn't that translate to My Magic? Riiiiight. And if she was persecuted for being a witch, why did she go to a school of magic in Germany?

“…Tziporah Tzana Ruusuu,” She sighed, “But can you just register me as Bunneh Luna?”

Princess Joy: That's a mouth full...and where did the nickname come from? Ohhh the pen name!

Princess Joy: How does she know about the Houses if she's a transfer student? Not every other wizarding school has Houses.

The hat went over ocean colour eyes and covered them from view—she saw darkness.

Princess Victoria: Ocean coloured? Like Carribbean? Or Stormy artic?

Princess Joy: She really likes to talk about the pink hair.

The person glanced at the burn marked scar shaped like a large spider on her back,

Princess Joy: Hmmm, a scar? Where did we hear that before?

On the four-poster below the bed she was going to be on was another girl. She had blue hair, and wore purple star PJ pants with a meshy black top and a tube top underneath that. She snored loudly; seems as if she slept in.

Princess Victoria: Firstly, no one sleeps in at Hogwarts. Secondly, this is a Mauraders Fic, so why is everyone dressed like it's 2004. And Shinii? Wha? Why is she speaking like an American? And why does she automatically assume that Bunneh Luna is her nickname?

As I thought, Bunneh thought, “Well, um, I guess I should start putting my stuff away…”
“I can help!”
“Really?” Bunneh smiled, “That’d be nice. I have a lot of stuff,”

Princess Victoria: You have a lot of stuff, yet you had to flee for life, yet you grabbed your stuff.

It’s been only a couple of hours, but they seemed to be good friends, if not, best friends.

Princess Victoria: Well, yeah, espically if you didn't meet anyone else except someone who called you "Icky".

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-Insertions: 22

Chapter 2: Potions Class

But of course, she could not get his etched picture out of her mind. She kept thinking about it even in her sleep. Her dreams were filled with Remus Lupin, as sappy as it sounds. Were Slytherins terrible people? Were the Gryffindors different from them? How different Hogwarts was!

Princess Joy: Um, Didn't you just see Remus? How could you be dreaming of him?

You know you have no chance with him,” The girl said. She had blonde hair and green eyes, with a very strong German accent.

Princess Joy: Well, if it IS a flash back, wouldn't the person be speaking IN GERMAN, and not a "German accent"?

Potions was in the dungeons. It was dreadfully cold down there, so Bunneh wore a thin sweater (black sweater, fake feather lining).

Princess Victoria: There are no feathers in Hogwarts robes, not in 2004, let alone in 1974.

There were first five, now six—the new entry had blue hair and emerald green eyes, and seemed to have a fancy for the tallest one in the group: a black haired pale boy.

Princess Victoria: Another OC with crazy hair and funny eyes? Excellent! A Gryffindor!Sue, who likes Sirius! So now everyone can be paired off because I am sure Peter won't end up with anyone...most fan girls either don't write him, or make him evil from the beginning.

Princess Victoria: Remmy? That's just a personal beef I have. His name is Remus. When has he EVER been called Remmy?

Princess Victoria: She hates Snape too? Even though she's a Slytherin? hmmm.

Princess Joy: The Gryffindor's name is "Star", gag me.

Star, the blue haired girl, punched Sirius on the arm, “We’ll all go apologize. It’s all our faults for letting him do this in the first place,”

“Fine,” They all said in unison, and before the class was even over they packed up and left during all the pandemonium.

Princess Victoria: Aw, she can resolve the conflicts, how sueish.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-Insertions: 24

Chapter 3: Apology at the Hospital Wing

Sirius was about to jump on James, but Star stopped him. She calmed them both down and looked at Bunneh. Bunneh paid no attention whatsoever, so Star just sighed. She knew that this was going to be harder than they thought, so she looked over at all of them, and Sirius silently and secretly brought out his wand.

Princess Joy: Again with solving the conflict; does she have any other purpose?

Princess Victoria: Sirius, the best way to get people to listen to you is not by flipping them upside down.

Princess Joy: I find it convient that she didn't want to listen to Sirius at all until Remus asked her to listen. That's so annoying.

Remus interrupted, “Be careful, Paws, the blood could rush to her head if she stays that way too long,”

Princess Joy: Who's Paws? I don't know a Paws. It's Padfoot, not Paws. And they are not Animangi yet, so I don't even know if they would have their nicknames.

Princess Victoria: Where's Peter? Oh yeah! FanGirl!Author did not include him, although, you know, he was a Maurader too.

“Remus,” Bunneh said, “I don’t need this. From the first day, which was yesterday, I knew things would have gone horribly wrong. It did in Mein Magic, it will here too. I cannot escape my bad luck, I was born with a curse, and I’ll die with a curse,”

“I don’t unders—” Remus began.

Princess Joy: What don't you understand? She was born with a curse, it'll kill her.

Princess Victoria: Oooo she can play an instrument, that's colour cordinated.

Princess Victoria: I do think Severus giving her the card was cute.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-Insertions: 17

Words cannot explain...

2004-05-04T05:21:56Z

Link: Rea's Revenge

Summary:
A new girl comes to Hogwarts. (Not ur muffy sue) She is Harry's sister. but she was raised up by********. The real reason why voldermort came to Potter's house. Her connections w/ remus.

Princess Joy: Before I read this, I thought I had read all the really bad fics in the fandom... was I ever wrong. This story just was bad. I wanted to hurt myself (or someone else) after I'd finished reading it. And a lot of it didn't make any sense whatsoever.

Our rating:

Chapter 1: the start of a new year

Princess Victoria: The story starts off with some sort of diary, monolgue. But, instead of knowing who is speaking, or even what they are talking about, we get this confusing, unformatted mess...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am on my way to Hogwarts. I need deatheaters.not exactly. My father was dealing with deatheaters, and I am dealing with their children. My father said I could make Harry Potter's life horrible for what they did to me. My father had to pay the price! He said I couldn't kill him too, the Professors would find out. I have no Idea how I will keep my evil side to myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************************************************************************ My last year. I vow that this will be the year the Harry potter's life will be ruined. He ruined the dark lord's plans too many times. I will also get my dream girl. ************************************************************************

Princess Victoria: I think someone bad is "speaking". I like how after spending all this time about repressing evil, and ruining Harry's life, the speaker adds: I will also get my dream girl. It's like going "I am going to a sacrifice kitten. And on the plus side, I finished my needlepoint!" *throws arms up in air* I also think she should have her keyboard checked. It appears that the astrik key is sticking.

We have a new student, she is Harry Potter's sister

Princess Joy: Wow, definately didn't see that over-used idea coming.

She will also be in Gryffindor, due to her brother

Princess Joy: But of course, where else would she go?

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 23

Chapter 2: More about Rea

Princess Victoria: This chapter starts off with a long Author's Note. I love netspeak...not. Here's the note:

Guyz, this is my first time writing a fanfic. Especially on this site. Some info 4 u, the things in the ***is Malfoy's pov. The things in the ~~` is rea's I will not write so much at the beginning now. Please review I need fans. If u think that whatever I'm putting is yours, it probably is. I read stories and the put them all into one story. I own nobody except 4 rea she is all mine. U hav to read this ch cuz all the exciting stuff happens in the next 1. hint she not what she seems. Oh yea wat does a/n stand 4???? ^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(^^^<>)(this is my mark!!!

Now, Here's the same note, minus the netspeak and typos.

This is my first time writing a fanfic, especially on fanfiction.net. I'm just going to give you some information to help you understand. The astricks (*) represents Malfoy's Point of View. These squiggles (~) represents Rea's. These Points of View will not be used as much at the moment, but will become longer as the story progresses. I appriciate every fan I have, so please review!. If you think that I plagerized you, I probably have. I read stories and the put them all into one story, so please leave a review if that bothers you. The only character I own is Rea. This chapter is very important, and will effect the rest of the story. There is more to Rea that what appears. Also, could anyone tell me what A/N stands for? When I want to add something to the story, I will use the following: (^^^<>)

"How old are you?" Ron blurted without meaning to, "You look too young to be 17"

Princess Joy: Why does it matter how old she is? She's going to end up in Harry's House and Harry's year anyways.

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 21

Chapter 3: and more about Rea

I officially stink at writing

Princess Joy: At least she's honest.

Princess Victoria: So, After some child (Rea) uses an Unforgivable on Draco, her and Draco get to chatting. She then proclaims that her father IS VOLDEMORT. *duh duh duh* So, now I am super confused because then she couldn't have been Harry's sister, and Dumbledore, the greatest wizard ever would have probably figured that out. This really makes no sense. And why does she have a dark mark? And why is Draco ok with her?

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 15

Chapter 4: Werewolves

Princess Joy: We really didn't need to know her daily schedule. Really.

In a flash Rea's eyes were full of tears and she was sobbing. How she did it, I , the author don't even know. It made Draco look so guilty.

Princess Victoria: Um, You ARE the author, you SHOULD know why YOUR OC can do that...

Princess Joy: Okay, 1) Guys can't get up to the Girl's Dormitories, and 2) I don't think Harry would just dump his sister on Hermione like that, especially after just finding out about her.

Out of the dark stepped a brown haired man.

*Professor Lupin???*

Rea ran up to hug him. "I miss you Remus!" she cried, squeezing him tight. "Me too" he answered. "Where is Sirus? Is he coming?" "You know he's always late!" "Right."

Princess Victoria: WTF?! REMUS? REMUS LUPIN? REMUS J. LUPIN? No! No, no, no, NO!!! Are they evil? What? Jeez, this girl gets around.

But then again, I can't risk it, gotta tell potter

Princess Joy: How very Malfoy of him to do that.

Remus changed into a wolf with a pop

Princess Joy: Since when was transforming into a werewolf so easy?

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 30

Chapter 5: Death

Princess Victoria: With a title like that, my hopes are up for everyone's favorite OC...

And in the Author's Note, my prayers are answered:
...um..rea dies

YES!!

do u think that rea's a mary sue?

Princess Joy: *cough* No...

The little girl, with the reddish brown curls, was happy

Princess Joy: If you read the rest of the story, you know she's lying here.

Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 43

This isn't even a ficlet.....

2004-04-13T18:48:53Z

Link: neville is a fat old prune!

Summary:
secrets are discovered in the gryffindor common room

Princess Victoria: Well, I was expecting a bucket of laughs, but really, how can you laugh at something that you don't understand? When I mean I don't understand, I don't mean "I don't relate". I mean "I can't understand your writing. For the love of God, please use quotation marks!" And what are the following words: "buff head", "dum shmums" and "idiot's shutupes"

We give this a:

The Fic That Started It All

2004-04-11T18:52:00Z

Prince and Princess Diaries

This is the Fan Fiction that inspired Princess Joy and Princess Victoria to start this diary. This is the summary...

Hermione and Draco are the prince and princess of two different countries and they must get married in order to rule.
A note to readers: The author of this particular story has decided to remove it from the WWW. Sadly, you no longer have a story to compare our comments to. But you may still enjoy the comments.

Princess Joy: Well, quite promising as this is, there are some problems with this fic.

We rated it:

**Regrettably, this story has since been taken offline. However, our review has quite of a bit of the story quoted, so please continue reading and enjoy!**

Princess Victoria: The main problem with this story is that it's one big Mary-Sue fest. EVERYONE is a Mary-Sue. Except Ron and Ginny, who the author seems to hate...
Also, if Hermione's mom can not be Queen, then why can Hermione? It really doesn't make any sense. I also like how it was never explained why Draco didn't know he was a prince. This is where Princess Joy of Litchenstien and myself got our "names". We decided that if they can be arbritrary royality, so can we. Now, on to the chapters...

Chapter 1: I'm a What?

Princess Joy: Jumping into a birth scene as soon as the story started was a little odd for me. Usually there's a warning or something. At least she didn't go into graphic details.
Hermione decited on wearing a pair of blue jeans and a hot pink bellybutton top with little butterflies on it.

Princess Victoria: Now, I don't know about you, but Hermione doesn't seem like "bellybutton top" kind. How OC of the author. Does she like pink and butterflies? I think so!

Now talking about their summers...
“Mine was absolutly horrible, the Dursly’s made me clean the house for company. You see Uncle Vernon is trying to get a raise.” Said Harry rustling his hair in frustration.
“Mine was horrible too. Mom made me watch Ginny and do her bidding for her.” Said Ron.
“Why?” asked Hermione confused.
“Because as mom puts it, Ginny is my sister and I should love and respect her.”
“Oh.” Said Hermione still not understanding.
“My summer was great! My grandmother is very elegant and she taught me how to sew without using magic, she’s a witch also you know, and she taught me how to do my hair in this really elegant style. According to her I would need to know it sooner or later.” Said Hermione with a shrug.

Princess Victoria: Again, Hermione is out of character, how not caring and ignorant she sounds of her friends problems. And I like how her great summer revolves around "womanly" duties such as sewing and hair care. Again, highly out-of-chatracter.

Princess Joy: I really don't think Mrs. Weasley would make Ron do whatever Ginny wanted all summer, it's just not her style. And was there really any reason for Mrs. Weasley to request this of her son? I can't think of any.

“When the trolly came by, Harry bought each of them a chocolate frog and a box of Bernie Bots every flavor beans"

Princess Victoria: Woah, Harry's stingy this year.

When they had finished everyone decited to change into their robes. Using a clever spell that Hermione had learned they didn’t have to leave the compartment. Their robes just covered their clothes.

Princess Joy:Um, isn't that what ROBES do in the first place?

Princess Victoria: Then there are the letters that tell Draco and Hermonie they are royalty. I like *sarcasm* how the reassuring comment in Hermionie's is "That’s right Hermione, you are a princess." Whereas in Draco's it's "Yes Draco, you are part irish." It's as if in Draco's case he is staring at the letter not going "I'm a Prince!?" but "What?! I'm Irish?!"

Princess Joy: I like how Harry was ready to catch Hermione when she fainted. It sounded like one of those cheesy movies where you already know what's coming next so Harry turned to Hermione and waited a full thirty seconds before she actually fainted.*sarcasm*

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 5
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 5

Chapter 2: On The Way

‘I can’t possibly be a princess. Look at me, I’m smart yes. I can rule a country, but I don’t look like a princess. Princess’s are beautiful and have boyfriends that become kings, all I have are Ron and Harry.’ Hermione thought to herself, falling to sleep.

Princess Joy: I can really see her love for her friends here.

Dear Hermione,
You will be coming to Latvia on the next train. The country has voted and they need another queen soon. Don’t worry about school, you have your own priavate teachers here. Remember on the next train to Latvia. Love lots, Grandma Victoria.

Princess Victoria:Well, it's great that she took care of that loophole!

Princess Victoria: This happened right after Draco read the letter telling him to go on the train.

“I have some news. I shall no longer be here with you all, I shall be on my way to become the king of Ireland. Goodbye.” Said Draco sternly, as he got up from the table and made his way to the door.

Princess Victoria: Woah, woah, back up here. Draco just says Goodbye and leaves. Isn't that kind of fast? Yup! Just like the rest of the plot!

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count:7
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 4

Chatper 3: Lessons and Suprises

Here's a mind-blower on the train:

‘I can’t believe that I’m actually leaving. I can’t believe what I’m about to say, but I think I miss Potter and that little gang.’ Draco thought to himself.

Princess Victoria: What? No! Draco would miss Crabbe and Goyle first, THEN, maybe add that he is going to miss TORMENTING Potter, et all.

When Hermione had arrived she was very tired, the train ride took three days since Latvia was on the border of Russia. (It really is I looked it up on a map.)

Princess Joy: Thanks for that Geography lesson.

Hermione carefully got into a purple velvet lined carrage with her grandmother, and they were off.
Princess Victoria: If you are going to turn them into Muggles, would't they get into a state automobile at least?

Princess Joy:Hermione's hair stylist's name is Juan, how Lativian.

Princess Joy: I'd like to point out that while Hermione's train ride took her three days and Draco's train ride only took a short while, they were both asking about their lessons at exactly the same time because they somehow just so happened to get off their trains at exactly the same time.

“Draco we can’t do you want to have a hairy chest, arms , and legs?” said Greggory pulling out his wand.
“Fine, as long as you promise that it won’t hurt.” Said Draco looking at the wand in his uncles hand.
“One vee I vill pull. Von, two, vee!” said the man and pulled a piece of paper off of Draco’s chest , with only a few pieces of hair on it.

“Hermione let’s get on with your waxing and then your treatment.” Said Elenor
“Waxing , no one said waxing. What are you going to wax anyway?” asked Hermione nervosly tying her hair up.
“We are going to wax every inch of your body, and it shall never grow again, after we put a spell on it.” Said Elenor locking the door.
Hermione started to feel nervous.
“Don’t worry, all you do is get into this bath of luke warm wax, when you get out we carefully pull the wax off and all the hair will be gone.” Said Elenor leading Hermione to the bath of wax.

Princess Joy: I think the author has a problem with body hair. Just something I picked up on. Bath of Wax? Wow... 'Mione must be a Sasquatch.

Hermione did as she was told and when she opened her eyes again she was amazed. Her eyes had dark purple eye liner and light purple eye shadow, her cheeks were covered in a very light layer of purple glittler, her lips had a kind of frosted lilac purple lipstick which she adored.
Her nails were painted too, they were a sparkle purple with silver glitter in it, her toes in a french manicure.

Princess Victoria: I know purple is a royal colour, but, seriously, did they have to over do it? The only people who wear that much of one colur in their makeup are 14-year-olds and guests on Jerry Springer.

“Oh thank you Jennifer, I look wonderful. I love what you did with the purple and white.” Said Hermione

Princess Joy: I have to ask...what white??

“Time for bed dear, tomorrow we shall go to Ireland to meet the prince. If he picks you, then you shall spend 2 weeks with him, get to know him and hopefully he’ll fall in love with you.” Said Victoria, kissing Hermione softly on the head.

Princess Victoria: And Hermione is cool with this arranged marriage? Is this the same Hermione that created S.P.E.W and had ethical standpoints on all cotroversial topics? No! This is Princess!Hermione who is NOTHING like the real character. She is complimented with Prince!Draco who is not a Death Eater's son who hates muggles and mudbloods! What a crazy, topsy-turvy world!!!

“Yes I do, I liked her for a while.” Said Draco, once again looking Hermione over.
“You liked me?” asked Hermione, blushing again.
“Yeah, I know that you liked me, potter told me.” Said Draco, smiling.

Princess Victoria: What? They HATE each other! And since when would Harry chit-chat about Hermione's crushes to Draco? Oh yeah! NEVER!

Princess Joy: And they close the chapter kissing. Again with the fast-moving plot...

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 18
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 2
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 19

Chapter 4: He Loves Me

“No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that I can’t do this, this is the same thing that happened with my mother, she started kissing this guy, who happens to be my father, and she went all the way with him and she ended up having me. And I’m not ready for that yet.” Said Hermione looking at Draco; he had some of her lipstick on his face.

Princess Victoria: Ok, chillax, he just kissed you.

Princess Joy: Since when does Draco listen to the "White Stripes", or CD's for that matter? Hello Muggle!Draco.

That night Hermione dreamed that she was walking through a big field of sunflowers with Draco, he was holding her hand and they were quite happy, Hermione also noticed that she was pregnant, with what seemed like their first kid. Draco was having a similar dream, only that he was carrying a baby and Hermione was picking flowers.

Princess Joy: I like how Hermione assumes it's their first baby.

The day of the ball Hermione and Draco were getting ready all day, the ball was at night so they had a long time to prepare.

Princess Joy: Yes, that was the soul purpose of the ball being in the evening.

“No, what, you thought that these were pads, please. I developed early. Actually I think they’re too big. Don’t they look like grapefruits?” said Hermione. Perking them up.
“What, huh? What was the question?” asked Draco snapping back.
“Pay attention. I asked do my breast look like grapefruits.” Said Hermione looking a bit frustrated.

Princess Joy: Um, didn't they just have their first civil conversation yesterday? And now she's asking his opinion about her boobs. Right.

“Hi Ginny, I have so much to tell you. And can you believe that I have on no bra.” Said Hermione walking away from Draco.

Princess Victoria: Woah, no bra. Big news.

Princess Victoria: Near the end of the chapter, they profess thier love for each other.

Princess Joy: I'd like to know where Neville, Fred and George are. Maybe she forgot she invited them.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 25
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 5
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 4

Chapter 5: The Ball

Princess Joy: Why is it that by chapter five they're acting like a couple that have been together for years and years when they only just said they loved each other?

“You did a wonderful job. Thank you for not mentioning that I’m muggle-born.” Said Hermione.

Princess Joy: What does that have to do with anything really? You're already acting Muggle enough.

“It’s going to be in Latvia. Everyone at Hogwarts is invited. Tell Dumbledore for me will you.” Said Hermione, walking them to their car.

Princess Victoria: If they can do magic outside of school, why can't she just owl him herself?

Princess Joy: Why is that Hermione has showered in this castle before but on that particular morning she can't seem to find the bathroom?

After everyone was dressed and packed they set off for Draco’s mountain cabin. Hermione was having trouble because she was wearing a mini pleated skirt.
Princess Joy: How appropriate.

“Oh wow, you have the most softest skin.” Said Draco, tracing the outline of her body.
“They made me wax my entire body.” Said Hermione.
Princess Victoria: How romantic.

Princess Victoria: The whole sex-scene was awkward. The language that was used by both the characters and the author shows that in actual fact no one was ready for anything.

Princess Joy: It's also interesting how they walk in the door and less than five minutes later they have to have sex.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 31
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 6
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 3

Chapter 6: Week 1
Princess Victoria: Uh-oh! What do you think is going to happen?! They just made love last night!
Hermione keeps getting sick??? psst. I think she's preggers. *taps nose*

“I don’t thin . . .” started Hermione. Before she could finish she had puked up her breakfast, into the lake.

Princess Joy: Yummy. There's some more awkard love-making moments afterwards.

“I love you.” Said Hermione, taking Draco’s face and kissing him like in one of those old fashion movies, when the girl hasn’t seen the guy in a long time. (Long story.)

Princess Victoria: Do enlighten us on this "long story".

“You’ve seen me bare naked two times. I let you touch me, and you had no idea how much I loved you.” Said Hermione, resting her head on his arm for a second.

Princess Joy:Um. Lots of people see each other naked and don't love each other...

On believing she's pregnant:

“No. I was going to take one [a test] right now. I brought three [tests] with me. Cross your fingers.” Said Hermione, kissing him softly.
Princess Victoria: If it wasn't planned, then why would you have a pregnancy test with you? Let alone three?!

“After about an hour Hermione read the test.
Princess Victoria: Sweety, they only take a few mintues.

“I can’t believe that it worked. I had no idea that I would get you pregnant so soon.” Said Draco, as they laid there in bed, still in the after glow.
Princess Joy: Neither did we.

“A/N: HI DUDES! I’VE BEEN SO BUSY LATELY, BUT I’LL ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO WRITE STORIES FOR YOU! I’M SORRY IF YOU THINK THAT THEY ARE MAKING OUT TOO MUCH, I’M TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON THAT SINCE THEY’RE ALREADY GOING TO BE HAVING A KID.
Princess Joy: 'Cause you know, once you get pregnant your sex life dries up totally.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 37
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 7
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 3

Chapter 7: The Wedding

Princess Joy: So, Princess Hermione arrives in a car. Are they muggles now? Some jewlery was made for her from China and France...not Lativa. You know, that country that she's Princess of.

Hermione took a shower and came back out, wearing a little white bra and this skirt thing to make her dress fluffy.
Princess Joy: How descriptive. And interesting that Harry and Ron are still in the room when she gets out of her shower.

Draco sat there feeling guilty about something, but he just couldn’t place his finger on it.
Princess Victoria: I wonder what it is? We never find out!

“I’m done Hermione. I’ve done your hair just Ariel has her hair in the little mermaid 2: return to the sea. Your crown will go perfectly with this. And I’ve already put on you necklace. Now time for make-up.” Ginny said, taking a small container of moon powder.
Princess Joy: Nice product placement.

“Wow. I do look good! I can’t wait to see Hermione.” Draco said, as he walked over to a very large picture of Hermione doing ballet.
Princess Joy: Where did that painting come from?

Princess Joy: What, no honeymoon?

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 48
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 7
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 6

Chapter 8: A Boy

The plane ride was somewhat long and Hermione was feeling sick again, but nothing happened.

Princess Joy: Plane?!?! I thought they were wizards??

“I don’t really have any right now, but yesterday I had to make up some new rules, so I just put down that there should be more wizarding schools.” Said Hermione, watching Draco and Harry bring the drinks over.
Princess Joy: What about S.P.E.W? She really seems like she likes her role as Princess...not.

Princess Victoria: After reading Ginny's freakout, I believe that the author doesn't like Ginny. Oh look! She's pregnant too!

“Yeah. And as I noticed, Ginny was getting a little wide in the middle.” Hermione said, after she had calmed down.

Princess Joy: Wow, way to support your friend, Hermione!

“Well I’m proud for you Harry. And now Ginny can be the center of attention all she wants. The first teen mother at Hogwarts.” Hermione said, walking away.

Princess Victoria: Woah, bitch alert. Hermione is 17 right? Well, in theory then, if she was still attending Hogwarts she would be the 1st teen mother. There some more awkard love-making. This time between Ron and Luna.

“They have been doing that every night this week.” Said Harry, trying to block out the sound. (Dumbledore said it was ok if they were in the same bed because they were having a baby.)

Princess Joy: The man has finally lost his mind! Yes, I see the logic behind it all now!

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 52
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 10
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 7

Chapter 9: Somewhat of a baby shower

“Your mother was really sweet. Oh and I have to go to the hospital in a few minutes to see why I’m gaining so much weight. I mean, it’s only one baby.” Said Hermione, rubbing her stomach.
Princess Victoria: That's some good foreshadowing there. Not!

“Yeah Harry I did. I just came back from the hospital wing. Madame Pomphry ran some tests and we’re going to have a girl!” said Ginny, looking Harry straight in the eye.

Princess Joy: A coincidence that Ginny just got back from the hospital wing and that she's getting the baby girl everyone wanted...I THINK NOT!

Princess Victoria: What's with Ron being an ass? Does the author hate him too?

“Hermione had to put on a maternity dress of yellow since that was sort of a boy color and a girl color. Her hair was in a nice French braid with little curls at the sides...“Thanks, you look nice too.” Complimented Hermione. Referring to Ginny’s somewhat short pink dress.

Princess Victoria: I don't know about you, but expectant women don't normally wear the colour of the gender of the child they are expecting.

Princess Joy: Draco drives? Wow. How mugglish.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 59
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 11
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 16

Chapter 10: Luna's Baby Trouble
“Anything Luna. When the party is all over which will be in 1 hour, Ginny and I’ll talk with you.” Hermione said, sitting down."
Princess Victoria: Normally, baby showers are longer then an hour.

“Don’t worry about it. She’ll get over it as soon as the baby is born, trust me. The same thing happened to Susan with Hermione. She be back to normal soon enough.” Said Alan.

Princess Joy: How would he know, he wasn't around.

“I know what you mean sort of. My other boyfriend before Harry, we almost made a baby but I let loose before he did and then I left before he had the chance.” Said Ginny, turning red at her words."
Princess Victoria:
A. That doesn't make any sense.
B. "make a baby"? You mean have sex. Just say it. Or at least "sleep together". "Make a baby" sounds very childish.

“They’re doing quite fine. They should be born in a two months since I’m having twins they’re going to be born a month early.” Hermione said, rubbing her tummy.

Princess Joy: Huh? Is this common knowledge or is she just assuming. Most doctors can't predict if a baby is going to be early and not all twins are born early. Some are actually born late.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count:63
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 12
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 9

Chapter 11: Royal Duties and Baby Power

Princess Joy: The whole visiting the village thing is horrible and is one huge Mary-Sue fest. Although everyone is poor and starving, they love their King and Queen. Right.

“The lady nodded her head smiling at Hermione. And when Hermione flattened her dress the lady noticed that she was pregnant.
Princess Victoria: If Hermione is pregnant, and very pregnant, then wouldn't they have noticed that she was with child the second she waddled out of the carriage?

Princess Joy: Why did Hermione's dad run away after he spent the night with her mom? And another awkward sex-scene...

Princess Joy: They would use quills and parchment, not a pencil and paper.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count:71
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 12
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 13

Chapter 12: Coming Home
“Come on Hermione, Patricia is almost here. I can see her head, she has brown hair with a bit of blond on the top.” Draco said, kissing Hermione’s sweaty forehead.

Princess Joy: Not everyone has the privlige of being born with highlights.

“And sweet heart here’s Patricia. She’s a lot smaller than Sean, is that ok?” Draco asked, holding her. “Yeah that’s fine. Kiss me Draco.” Hermione stated, looking up at Draco.
Princess Victoria: Ok, so what was Draco suppose to do if Hermione went "No! It's not ok! Fatten her up!"

Here's something out of the blue....
“Thank you all for coming. Where’s Nacrissa?” Hermione said, looking around. “Yeah where is mom?” Draco asked, going over to the door.
“She had a heart attack last night. It seems that the joy of the twins surprised her so, that she died.” Said Harry, glumly.
Princess Joy: What???? Ok. Firstly, way to break the news to someone "she died." Secondly, how and why did Harry know before Draco?

“Yeah, I’m putting my toothbrush away. And good news, I’m skinny again.” Said Hermione, zipping up her bag
Princess Victoria: Obviously, you've never been around someone who had a baby. You never get your figure comepletly back right away. EVER.

Princess Joy: It was cute though that they are trying to get Ron and Luna back together.

Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu and Self-insertions count: 81
Irritating, and pointless Author Notes in story: 12
Spelling Errors and Obvious Mistakes: 17

Princess Joy: So, seeing how the story is a work in progress, this is where it ends. I know we pick over the bad stuff, but we believe that if the author extended the plot, added more wizardry, reduced the OOCness of the characters as well as the Mary-Sue/Gary Stuness of them also, this would be a cute fic. So! Keep writing! And make sure you edit everything. If you don't know how to spell a character's name, just pick up a book and find out! You are obviously a big enough fan to want to write about them! Good Luck!

It's our duty...

2004-04-10T16:16:53Z

This is Princess Victoria of Gelderland and Princess Joy of Lichtenstien. It is our duty to find bad Harry Potter fan fic. We pick it apart with witty comments and astute observations.

We have three icons that describe what to expect in the work we are discussing.

The first is The Spork

This indicates that this fan fiction is so bad, that it makes you want to spork your eyes out.

The second is Sparklypoo

This indicates that in this fan fiction, there is an obvious and horrible Mary Sue. Sparklypoo is a "Hogwarts House" that some poor writer had created and was filled with Mary Sues. They had unicorns as pets, etc.

The final icon is WTF?

WTF? We all know what that means. This is reserved for those fics that just don't make any sense at all. It's not the characters, it's not the grammer. It's just like someone's brain barfed and left us that piece of work.